I see e Sights, I hear e Sounds, I speak e Words

Forever 21 no more

2010-10-31T21:26:00.002+08:00

29th October 2010

It was a simple but a very meaningful celebration of turning 22. All that I wanted was to be with you, and I got to have that. Those material things are second at best but you have always been the one that I want.

You were the first to wish me a Happy Birthday and that means a lot to me. You were there to give me a birthday hug and a birthday kiss. I was missing you so much prior to that day. Life has been hectic to both of us but knowing that you took a day off from your hectic schedule to spend my birthday with me really means a lot. I appreciate that.

You brought me out doing all the things I want and that we have not done in the longest time ever. From drinking together to surfing at wavehouse to the movies and even an impromptu chocolate delight. We managed to take time to finally talk and catch up with each other's life.

So much is happening at the same time. I will be there for you whenever you need me to be and even when you don't need me there. Because I know you would do the same for me and you have been there.

Thank you sayang, for a wonderful 22nd. I want to celebrate my 23rd, 24th, 25th and the rest of my years to come with you. I love you JWH.

2010-10-24T20:51:00.002+08:00

I feel the need to cry because I miss you much. I feel the need to cry because I feel insecure about myself. I feel the need to cry because there are questions left unanswered.

Our lives have been hectic ever since the change of jobs and ever since I started this course of study. But it had never been this bad. I feel guilty for not making more time for you. It made me think if it was really a good idea to take up this course in the first place.

I used to have all the time in the world for you. When I was working shifts, we could meet up almost every day. Now, when I am on fixed office hours and when I thought that it will be better for us in the future, I don't get to meet you as often. Sometimes for a few weeks.

I miss the times when our lives just revolves around the two of us. Where our conversation only had us in it. Where nothing else mattered. I know for a fact that we can have all that back. As long as I put in more effort to meet you and be with you for long periods of time.

But I need you to allow me to do that. To allow me to stay up late and wait for you to end work so that we could meet up and catch up. We used to watch late night movies and have supper - let's do that again shall we?

I really don't mind waiting for you. Or having not enough sleep for all I care about is you. And to spend time with you, to know what is happening in your life and if I could do anything to make work and life more bearable as work can kill us sometimes.

Dear sayang, I know you probably won't get to read this until a long time later as you seldom visit this page of mine. But I want you to know, that I appreciate the little things that you do for me - by giving me a call, ensuring I have had proper meals, covering me whenever we walk in the rain. I treasure these moments as much as I treasure having you as a part of my life. I love you sayang and I'm missing you very much right now.

2010-10-15T08:45:00.003+08:00

I feel so lost and alone right now. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I have been able to get in terms with the whole thing the past few days. But today, I woke up and all I wanted to do was cry. I'm trying not to - at least not at work.

I have been shivering. I had a bad headache the whole day yesterday. I almost got hit by a car coz my head was lost elsewhere as I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking. I have trouble breathing and even my body's been rejecting whatever food that I eat.

I'm a mess but I am trying hard to not look like one. My confidence is declining and I used to be so much stronger previously. Still, I love and I believe. No matter what and against all odds, I have always believed. I just need you to see that.

These pain I'm keeping to myself because I don't want to trouble you with all my nonsensical issues. You have issues of your own which I have to help get you through. But you're not even sharing with me. I'm here for you. I may not be able to help as much but I would like for you to choose me as a shoulder to cry on. To share the burdens on your mind. Why wouldn't you let me? Because you don't want to trouble me? It has never been a trouble or a hassle for me.

I just need you to believe that when we're together, we can fight against all odds as long as we put our hearts and mind into it. When we're together, I know that I can rely on you to catch me when I fall as I would catch you when you fall and nurse you back to health when you've hurt yourself.

Whatever that I see, I hope you see it too.

Yet another breakup

2010-10-13T11:13:00.004+08:00

The last post was in May. It is now October and the same shit keeps happening again. I have gone through this too many times before and I have fought till I scarred and I don't think I'll be the same. But I always hang on and I keep loving you after the many "breakups" and "get togethers" that we have had.

Something is definitely not right somewhere. But where did I go wrong? Where did I hurt you? Or if I have ever done anything that has hurt you before throughout these two years spent together. I have to admit I am not perfect. Neither are you. But together we could make it work.

However, it seems like I am clapping with just one hand of mine and yours is missing. Little wonder it is not working as you put it.

I have a test to study for today. That test is tonight itself. Yet you dropped me a bombshell and you said you don't think you can continue with us anymore. And then you want me back. I am confused. More confused than I ever was before. As hard as I try to focus on the studying, it's breaking me apart and tearing me up inside.

Problems are meant to be shared not kept to yourself till it builds up and you let it out by tearing the relationship apart.

So many promises and beliefs that was broken yet I still believe. Stupidity on my part - maybe not. I feel it in me and call it an intuition if you want.

Where does my limit end? I myself am not able to answer that question because I am still here waiting to catch you when you fall. Maybe if the confirmation comes and you really say its over - den probably I will have to start my healing process. How long it's gonna take - beats me. Yes you have always said that I will find someone else - that's a maybe too. But one thing I know for sure, I will never love any other the same again. Well I know myself better don't I. So that poor guy in the future will always have to be the 2nd best.

Wait this sounds familiar. Like how I was always your 2nd best.

Contrary to what you believe in, there will be more pain and suffering for me to go through if we end compared to when we do stay together. Although you love to use the same sentences to force me out of the relationship. Unfortunately, when you believe that I can find someone else better to suit me, I believe otherwise as I have already found that special someone that suits me in every way and meaning of my life. That person is you.

But I can't force you. You have this personality of rebelling when you are forced and it will only push you further away from me. One thing you have always said, "to love a person is to let that person go freely". But I don't believe in that. I believe in fighting for the person you love, being there for them whenever they need you. Like when they are going through a transition phase in life like job changing, troubles with the family and other such matters. Bottomline, you should never give up in the love you believe in.

You said you still love me yet you still want to go separate ways, you're giving up on me, on us. Making me feel worthless all together. Like I told you, you have a string of girls lined up waiting to bring you into their open arms to comfort you. You may not go to some of them but you have these girls to fall back on. Well let's just forget about this girl I spent two years with shall we.

I know if we do carry on with us there will be too many problems that we have to face. From the different religions we have to the disagreeing parents. But I need you to believe in yourself. Believe in me. And believe that together we can make anything happen and we can make it work.

2010-05-28T12:20:00.003+08:00

I seriously feel like I am ruining everything for myself. Am I really that weak? So insecure?

Love is the best thing that could happen in the world.But why is it that I love and yet I hurt myself at the same time. Is it wrong for me to cry? To let the pain flow in the only way I know how.

Looking into your eyes, I know you're telling me the truth. That you love me. And you'll never leave me again. You also said that if there is anyone whom you'll marry, that would be me. I really want to make that real. As real as it could be.

2010-05-06T00:25:00.003+08:00

So much has happened from the time I wrote the last entry, to this current one. Holidays were made. Of which when we came back to Singapore and went our separate homes again, it was painful. I cried in April. And I cried again yesterday.

The tears in April was me finally letting go. Of those past events that hurt me to my core. I cried till there was nothing left in me. I trusted him back fully. I told myself I should be bringing myself up, getting that bubbly personality of mine back, that self-confidence that I've always had back in me.

But all that time I spent in April just got wiped out again in May. On talking terms ey. That's so much for breaking off all contacts. There was not even a reason to do that in the first place if at any time she calls or text or broke up with any other TOM, DICK OR HARRY, you became a friend yet again.

Yes you love me. I know that oh so well. You asked why I feel so insecure. My only answer is nobody knew what I really went through during that period. No clue whatsoever.

I acted like everything is fine after the whole issue passed.

Maybe it is just me. When I strike someone out from my list, I do just that. I don't go back on it. Yes I let the hatred consume me. And it could only be my downfall at the end.

See, I know that. But I won't fall. Cause I will thread my way carefully. I was calm previously. But I won't be the next time.

But at the same time, when I love, I love fully. No I am not a perfect person but I try to be the best for you.

You don't seem to notice I no longer where that necklace I've always worn. That half of a whole that meant something to me. Or the fact that I haven't changed back your name in my handphone. Neither do I talk so much about marriage or a lifelong commitment much these days.

For the sole reason that I am scarred and scared to go through the whole process of hoping and getting the hopes crushed again. But I still do hope. Silently. Because if I mention it that it just might jinx it.

At times I feel that I need to go see a psychologist, to help me in dealing with all these pain. Or maybe get some medications to calm me down when I hype myself up for all the wrong reasons. Or maybe see what they can say about my state of mind. Am I going crazy? Or am I already am?

At the end of the day, all that I want is you. My existence is nothing without your presence. I really do love you. Only you. I've always loved myself more in the past, but I'm no longer the number one person in my life. YOU are.

Keeping Strong

2010-02-06T02:33:00.002+08:00

There seems to be a big gap in this post and the previous ones. It doesn't mean that I am fine. It doesn't mean that everything is settled. There are so many things that are still going on in my head, sending me into turmoil each and every time.

Yes, we are back, but why do I feel a certain void. I don't seem to believe in myself any longer. But I have no qualms in believing in you.

I lost myself in this whole process and I can't seem to find that me back. I go through the motions of life, of being yours, of loving you, but why do I still feel empty inside.

The fact that you are back should have cheered me up. Give me joy. But why do I still crumble at the end of each day. Why do I still curl up and cry.

Eveytime I'm with you, it goes away. The moment that we're apart, I lose my balance again. There is so much that I wish to say but I choose not to because I will stay strong in your presence.

It still hurts and it feels like a long way to go before I can mend myself. But I would say this, I would rather feel the hurt and all the pain, than to let you crumble and lose yourself.

It's nice to have you back.

I love you. I always have.

Hard as Stone

2010-01-20T08:04:00.002+08:00

18th January, Monday

I called you out and we hanged out. I din hear from you tje whole of the previous day and that killed me. It was nice to see you again. Just being with you lifted up some of the down mood I had.

19th January, Tuesday (2.06am)

You called me sounding so sad that it broke my heart, yet again. I came down to see you and you tell me things. Which hurts but I had to persevere because as much as it hurts me, I cannot bear to see you hurting like you did.

There are so many things that I want to say but I will hold it for now. Because, now my main priority is to heal you. Only then will I be able to heal myself. Because as much as I want to ram myself in a wall right now, it is only right for me to be there for you.

This is my time. To show you all that I have uttered in the past. I know there will be a point in time where it will take a toll on me. Saying it and doing it is 2 different things.

But I love you too much to let you lose yourself like that. Like I said, I will wait.

Although whatever I went through prior to that broke me apart, I will not let you break apart. Coz you are more wholesome than you think. And deep down I believe you are still there. The you that I have always adored. The you that will return. And one day, I will hear you say it again, that you love me.

Steaming

2010-01-17T10:30:00.002+08:00

What do I really feel like right now? I am not able to answer my own questions. Everytime I try to keep myself away from you, I come running back. Will I be able to hold through with this for a long time to come?

We meet, I'm happy but after, I just hurt again. I have no idea how to help you out or comfort you at this point in time when you are feeling so muddled. I can't even help myself.

Confidence, I have it. I just don't want to let the hope fill me up. Coz I have hoped too many times in my life before, and time and time again, hope fails me. I'm already broken as it is. I just don't want to break further.

I really want to be happy. And at the end of the day, be happy with you. There was so much we already went through. To let it go just doesn't seem right.

I will keep fighting. And I will keep dying. But every time I die, I'll do my best to revive myself again and fight some more. Until a point in time when I am not able to do it any longer. But for now, I need myself badly. I need to pull through. The more pain I feel, the more I blocked it out. The more I lose myself to the demons that surrounds me.

*AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

Killer Thoughts

2010-01-16T11:15:00.003+08:00

Being at work right now keeps me busy and kills me at the same time. When guests come to me and needs me to do something, never have I been happier to assist. Now, everything just subsides and most of them are not disturbing me any longer.

I need to do something. Coz now I feel like crying. It hurts. It will always hurt. But I can't afford to show my emotions at work. I act like everything is fine and dandy when it is not. I can't put up a strong front anymore. It's killing me too much.

Someone might as well take me out from this earth.

2010-01-16T05:33:00.002+08:00

I don't know what to feel at this stage. Most of the times I numb myself. Only when I let go, I'll curl up like a ball, on the floor and rock myself mad, with tears streaking down my cheeks.

You know how they say the eyes are the window to your soul. Well, I look at myself in the mirror and I see nothing. Blank. It seems that I have lost my soul. The one playing my character right now is just my alter ego. The one that knows how to deal with all this pain.

The real me? I myself have no idea where she went.

How did I get to this stage? For the simple reasons that everything I ever believed in was crushed.

The family is not beingkind either. The mom has been pestering again. And I am suffocating at home. But when I go out, my alter ego needs all the energy she can get to play me.

After all that I've done. I was left alone in the most difficult times of my life. The time when I needed you the most. Proven to you up till now to what extent I would go to. The family used to be your worry. That I would leave and come running back to them.

Well, I still am not talking to them even after all this happens. If that is not enough prove that I have nothing more to say. It has to be at this point in time that I have to suffer more. To handle all the issues at once.

I'm trying not to let the hate take control of me. Because I know when I let go of this minimal strength that I have and let hate fill me in, I will drown myself in all those sorrows. And turn to be a worst off person, in which that is not my agenda.

But there is so much I can take. Deprived of all the things and feelings I used to have. I feel despair. I won't take my life. But I wouldn't say no to somebody taking it for me either.

Saving a love lost in turmoil

2010-01-15T03:59:00.003+08:00

My world came crashing down in the early morning of 13th January with them messages. Whatever my instincts told me came true when it was mentioned the next day. My mind is a turmoil and my heart is no longer whole. It broke that very same day. I have much setbacks in life and this is one of them. But this time round, I just felt cheated of everything. Yes it was truthful. Nevertheless, it still hurts.

I am trying to be strong but that is no mean feat. As much as I want to be my normal self again, my walls are up and I am cold. Almost to everyone around me. I try to push it down but everytime I do, the pain returns and I cry. I let it all out till the tears dry up. And then I'm calm again. But the calm weather never stays long with me. As much as I try my best to block everything out, it comes rushing back and I go through the motions all again.

The insomnia is coming back. I am tired. I need the rest and I know that. There is so much I can take physically. But the mental state of mind I am in is affecting me physically as well. There is only so much I can push my body to do. Being up right now at 4plus am in the morning and pouring my hearts out goes to show that I can no longer get to sleep.

Yes, I tire myself out the whole day with the hopes that I can get into a deep sleep and rest longer. But that doesn't seem to happen. Each time I close my eyes I see bad things. I don't know what those bad things are I just know they are bad. It is like demons are out gnawing at my feelings. The pain fuels them. And I get scared of closing my eyes because the more I close them, the more pain I feel. But when I don't close my eyes and can't get to sleep, that doesn't bode well for me either.

The thoughts starts running again and I see all that I saw in the future come crashing down on me. The picture perfect memory falls to pieces bit by bit like a painting getting burned down in a fire. And that hurts too. The hopes, the life I wanted to have gets blurred out and I feel helpless. Cause I can't put the fire out and I see it all turning into ashes.

As much as I try to be strong it is never easy. It was never easy to deal with in the first place. But it is not easy for anyone. I want to smile and be bubbly, like all the time that I used to be, but that me has since been gone. I want her back. I want everything and everyone back. My life won't be complete.

Another few more weeks. It will get harder day by day and I know that. Even as the weeks gets lesser and finally turns to days, the answer is not even definite. I want to be truthful here by saying I want it to be me. Forever me. And nothing else. Call it selfishness, I know it is but I think I deserve to be truthful. I was there for most parts of the later life and I want to be there still for the rest of the life.

Years down the road, it looks bleak. But I still see the togetherness. And I still believe in it. I just hope that the belief is not mine alone.

It is time to get back to work today and I don't know how I am going to fare. It feels like the first day of school where you don't know what will happen. All I know is that I have to put on a brave front and go through with work as how I usually go through with it. Which means my mask comes on and the smile of the "Joker" comes into place on the face.

I want it to turn out to be the best.

What a great start to 2010. As of today, only 15 days into the new year and my life is at its ends. My love will prevail and I will show that I am worth it. Please see that too.

2010-01-03T21:00:00.003+08:00

Something happened that shook me to the core today. I was asleep pretty early as I have been on morning shifts for the past 5 days. But I was awoken at 2am in the morning from a bad dream that got me feeling restless.

That restless feeling kept me awake throughout the rest of the morning up till 6 am when I finally messaged the BF to find out if he were already back home from work. To find out that he was at the hospital just threw me off balance.

I got up, got changed and charged down in a cab, Throughout the whole journey I was trying to keep myself calm but I was so alone and feeling terrified. I had no idea the extent of his injuries. All I got when I called his mobile was a Staff Nurse answering saying that he can't put the phone at his ear as he got burnt.

I shan't say I agree with his attitude. Messaging asking me not to come down. Maybe I understand that he does not want me to worry but I'll worry more when I am not physically there.

Up till now, I guess I'm still recovering from shock. As it taught me today that at anytime anything may happen. I was so scared of losing you. That was how worried I was.

And then there are other revelations that got me feeling down. As much as I try not to show it, it shows. We tried to talk but the medicine kicked in and I wanted you to rest. Whatever it is, I am glad you are fine.

And I will be too because you need me more now than I do. I have to get over the fact that that was the past and I am the present and future. I will do my best but I have to say that it is not going to be an easy road for me, being who I am and all. But I will make it less painful for you.

I'll smile and I will be happy as long as I have you in my life.

Rest well my love and get well soon.

2010

2010-01-03T20:59:00.000+08:00

It is 3 days into the new year, and I only have time to give my closing speech for the year 2009.
2009 has been a very challenging year that I have to face. It is one drawback after another. So not a lot of people know this but I went for an Op in May for an abscess that I had. Went on hospitalization leave for a month and for that whole month I stayed away from work.
Then shit happens again, and I can’t say anything here but I will always remember because it would not be right if I don’t. But when I do, the heart still aches but I work hard not to succumb to the pain.
Yes this was the year that I turned 21 and made my step into the adult world. Everything revolves differently. Just look at me on New Year’s Eve, I was celebrating alone whilst asleep as I had 2 more morning shifts on the first 2 days of New Year.
As much as I would love to usher 2010 or any other new years here onwards with the people I love, that would always be difficult as long as I am in the service industry. Shift work definitely takes a toll after a long time. But I have many more years ahead of me and many more mountains to conquer.
Looking at the past year from another angle, yes I had a challenging year and yes I lost things I hold dear but the world suffered so much more. The devastating earthquakes and the terrible monsoons that hit others showed me that my life is not as bad as it is. Although I still do moan about it, but I do my best to tell myself that all will go well.
Starting 2010 the years will pass quickly for me. That always happens when you reach your twenties. Looking back at the past decades, I went from being in secondary to tertiary and now am working full time. That is a lot to accomplish in 10 years.
For now, I am ushering in 2010 with hopes that all goes well and it’ll be a better year for all of us.
Happy New Year everyone!!!

Mental Toughness

2009-12-25T02:15:00.001+08:00

It’s easy to make a decision to do something but it’s hard when the time comes for you to execute it. I have made many decisions in my life and some have yet to be executed. For now, I am getting a taste of what it feels like to turn around and walk out on your family.

For those who may not know the whole story don’t judge. It has never been easy to start with. Well, life with the family is getting from bad to worse. Step dad continued with his lies and dupes and mom falls prey. We have heard that story too many times before. I shan’t go into details for the simple reason that it is not worth it.

Call me selfish. Maybe I am. But the problems that you are having now was never a part of my decision making process. You say you’re stressed out and that was why you took unpaid leave for slightly more than a month. I did not have a say in that. And hey, everyone gets stressed out. I do too but I still work don’t I?

You say if you don’t believe in your own husband who will? I can’t contest that. He is your husband after all. But for you to fall prey to his words time and time again, doesn’t that say something. It has been like this ever since you tied the knot in 2004. You lean on me and I let you because I still love you.

But it has come to a point where I really am unable to take any more of it. You gave me a look of despair when I turned my back on you and walked out, when you needed my help to pay off part of your debts. Like I said, I was never part of your decision making process to go for unpaid leave and blindly believe the words of a born liar.

Yet I felt the pain in me as I walk away. I want to help but I can’t. It is time for you to wake and cover up your own mistakes. I did my best to help out, it may not be sufficient to you but I did help out, all the way from back then when I was still in school.
I myself am lost as to what to do with my life. I know for a fact that at the end of the day I will have to turn my back on the family to be with the person I love the most. Now I know how that feels like. It ultimately sucks. But I will do it.

I am looking at ways for me to be able to make it out on my own and get my degree at the same time. Though I doubt that will happen. Saving up for the degree will be a hole in my pocket. I was supposed to save up this year but that did not happen with me going on holidays ever so often. Which is why I am determined to make it happen in 2010.

At the same time, I want to move out too. Find my own space and a placing in this unpredictable world. Maybe I am taking the easy way out. Running away rather than tackle the problem head on. But I cannot take this any longer. It is easy for others to tell me just go in one ear and out the other. But going through that on a daily basis is worst than being in hell.

Well I can’t have all the things I want in one plate. At times I have to bear with the unfairness of life. Guess this is one of those times.

I am pretty much alone in this battle. I no longer talk to anyone at home. I don’t even acknowledge the presence of my younger sister. And I do not wish to bother the BF with my insignificant life any longer. I complain to him. I whine to him. I stalk him with all my messages and phone calls and I think he’s tired of that.
Life is not always about me. I have to understand that. He has been there for me too many times and I have never been able to top that. It’s time to grow up and fight this battle alone. It will get tougher but I have to believe that I can make it.

For now, I just feel very much alone.

2009-12-18T05:35:00.002+08:00

I am sick and tired of all the drama in my life. Is it possible to sometimes hate your family too much. To a point where you are waiting for something big to happen, where you can walk out and leave.

If only I had a benefactor or a company nice enough to pay for my studies. Then the money I'm supposed to use can be used for other things, like loaning a house for example.

Time and time again, I'm paying for the mistakes that I did not do. For the poor budgeting that was not mine in the first place.

No matter how much I will start to give starting next year, it will never be sufficient. For one simple reason, they do not know how to allocate. Certain amounts for certain things. And certain things they cannot afford, they still want.

So there goes the problem, but if I say it out loud, it falls on deaf years.

Can I get a knife and stab it through my own heart, coz it's a classic case of "If I can't kill them, I'd rather do it to myself."

I've been sleeping and waking up and sleeping and waking up and the cycle continues. I cannot even get a proper rest. Plus with all the other reasons to make my life miserable, it just adds more pain.

But I can't show it can I? Coz when I do show it, I am told to smile and be happy. Might as well be happy in the first place, eventhough it is those kind of fake happy.

The only thing that makes my life worth it right now and the only thing that matters, is being with the one I love the most. Maybe that's why I'm missing the BF tons.

Wavehouse - Session 2

2009-11-13T09:30:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I had a blast. Meeting up with the BF did me good. Lifted some of the down-ness that I've been feeling the past few days. Spending time with him always does wonders to me.

So we went to catch the movie 2012 and it was awesome. And I believe that it is possible. We are putting too much pressure on the Earth right now that one day it's just gonna turn back on us and think for itself first by clearing everything out and starting anew.

Head down to Sentosa Wavehouse after that for some surfing fun. Ok they made me wait for 3 hours before I can start cause of some lightning warning and school bookings that they had. Oh wells.

Surfing is my new love at the moment. And my body is now sore and filled with bruises. I thought maybe after a full day out event and my body is tired, I'll finally be able to catch some deep sleep - to no avail.

Got home, lay on the bed and I ended up staring at the walls again. I am seriously having an issue with this. Now am at work and my eyes are droopy.

Nonetheless, I am feeling much better. Hopefully tonight I'll get some rest. The next 7 days is AM shift for me and I definitely need to get into a deep sleep for me to sustain all the way till the 20th November.

Insomnia

2009-11-11T23:01:00.003+08:00

2 days of lacking sleep and it does nothing to me. Yes I get agitated at times. I get frustrated. But life goes on. Work continues. WTF! I'm so fucked up!

Try as I might, I get to doze off. But a few hours later I wake up staring blankly at the ceiling and the walls stares back at me. Tossing and turning doesn't help to put me back to sleep. Not even hugging bear-bear. Nothing does anything to me anymore.

Alcohol doesn't seem to help. Cough medicine did its wonders on the spot but wears off in a few hours and I am back to staring at my beloved walls. Sometimes I just feel like pulling my hair out and ripping my heart out.

Lack of rest is giving me respiratory problems. Darn asthma. Not helping either.

Might as well just crash and burn the system. That'll do good at least. At least I hope it will. Maybe the 8 consequent morning shifts will get me sleeping. If it doesn't, well all I can say is that it'll make me look like a zombie. Won't it.

I would love to associate this insomnia with the Craig David song. But the things I'm going through have nothing to do with the lyrics of that song.

Going home to share a bed with my maid cause the gramps are in town. N they're taking younger bro's room and younger bro's sleeping outside. So maid has to come in - in which I totally do not see the point.

I don't do well with sharing. My privacy is lost. I can't lol if I wanted too. Can't sing my hearts out if I wanted too. Can't watch tv till late if I wanted too. Can't cry if I wanted too. Basically I lose all sense of my life.

And judging at the rate I am going. Well yes I can see where this is heading.

Fucking pissed off at myself for all the troubles in the world. Big responsibility to carry all that trouble. Know what - fuck it. Don't even fucking ask cause I don't have the fucking answer.

I should this more often. Fuck everything upside down. Loving it. Hating me - all of me.

Solitary

2009-11-10T07:40:00.003+08:00

Yesterday was a drinking session somewhere near Dhoby Ghaut. When in fact I am statring work at 0900 hours today. Y did I still go? Simple answer, I missed the BF and I wanted to spend time with him.

But being me, I always have a tendency to make a sweet reunion turn fugly. Due to me not being able to control my temper. It got better at the end, but I didn't end up being a better person.

Sometimes, I feel like keeping it all to yourself is the best method possible, so everyone else is happy. But will I suffer in the end? I couldn't even care less about me. Coz life is not always about me - no matter how much I want it to be. I realised that I am one cold, controlling, emotionally unstable bitch.

That's how I really feel about myself. Why even bother loving myself? Let's just love others - the hand that gives is better than the hand that receives isn't it.

Well the Vodka got to my head. Took a cab home but ended up paying way more than I should. Taxi uncle took the liberty of my drunk unstable, walls crushing state and took the long way home. I don't even want to go there.

Got home, pretty pissed off drunk and head to bed but ended up waking 2 hours later and couldn't sleep till the point where I have to wake up and head to work. Which is now literally. Why that happens doesn't seem to baffle me so much. I can guess. I can goddamned guess.

Let's try taking flu/cough/panadol tonight and see if that will help me sleep. But seriously, I doubt so. Oh don't worry guys, I don't have a drug problem. I just have a cold/cough and a headache. That helps explain all the medication.

Life is just like HL isn't it? Full of highs and lows.

Wanna guess which state I'm in? Don't even try. Coz trust me. I am one happy bitch for all other reasons - I'm just not sure where the reasons went to at the moment.

Ciao people.

Happy 21st

2009-11-05T22:00:00.003+08:00

It's been a week since I finally turn a legal adult. Age 21. I had a very nice time spent with the BF at Rasa Sentosa Resort. Checked in on the 28th for a 2 nights stay.

The room style that I wanted. Rose petals in a heart shape on the bed. Cake in the centre. Rose petals in the bathtub. It was a nice end to my teens and an elegant entrance into adulthood.

Being the emotionally intensified me that I am, well my eyes got watery when I walk through the door and find all those things above. It was a very sweet gesture from the person I love the most. Everything that he put together. The thoughts that went into the process of creating that most memorable and special 21st birthday.

Everything that I wanted and crave for, I get. From the surfing at Wavehouse to the movie at Vivo to the satisfaction of cravings of muah chee to sushi to chocolate strawberry fondue. And not forgetting the beloved Vodka.

No amount of words can even explain or let you know how I felt on that day till now when I am writing this. The emotions still do pour in when I reminisce that beautiful day.

It shows me the level of love, care and concern you have for me. It shows me that the future we plan will come. And it will be lovely. Yes yo do love me and I you. Nothing can compare to everything that you've done for me, not only during my 21st but all the other times when I needed someone, you never fail to appear. All the other times that were not so kind to both of us, we prevail and we will always do. Coz I will forever believe in the two of us.

Thank you sayang. Thank you for choosing me and appearing before me to be mine.

I love you.

Wonders

2009-10-11T21:11:00.002+08:00

It's been a week since I've been back in Sg. Spent a jolly good week in Bangkok for the bf's birthday. I had fun, with the occasional temper flarings that I had due to a certain circumstance.

Shopping madness definitely. It's been a tiring week at work. The stress hit me the moment I landed in Sg. The fast pace of this city.

It's harder to fall aslp. Especially when I close my eyes and the nightmares starts playing. To a point where its hard for me to get to slp. Maybe it's just the situation. I am doing my best not to be reminded and I shall prevail.

2009-09-12T04:48:00.002+08:00

I've been typing and deleting. Typing and deleting. Let's just put it that I don't know how to put it into words.

Suppression

2009-09-06T00:47:00.002+08:00

You know something is not right when you curl up in bed and start staring at the walls. You know when something is not right when you do that and try to think why you do it. You know when something is not right when you know that there is something to think about but nothing comes to mind. You know when something is not right when yourself suppresses whatever it is that you were trying to think.

Is there really a life out there? A carefree, pain free, lovely life?

Is that not what all of us wants? But life has a pathway of its own. You go left, and life brings you on the right path. Cliche.

People around you smile, and you smile back. But do people know what is behind that smile? And do you know what is behind the others' smile?

So many things to say but nothing comes to mind. So many things to say but no one listens. This is wrong. That is wrong. Be nice when people wants something. Don't care when no problem arises.

Run. Run free. With the wind. Hah. Don't think so.

Let's curl up and stare at the walls now shall we?

A Year After

2009-08-17T23:29:00.002+08:00

14th August 2008.

The day we got together.

A Year After - 14th August 2009.

A lot happened during this past year. There were of course the occasional lovers quarrel, but we made it through. Still a long way to go but WE are worth the fight.

It's been a year since John and me got together. So many hurdles we crossed and many a fun times. My love for him only grew stronger with each passing day.

Plans made for the time to come but nothing is going to be easy. Whatever it is. I made my decision and I'm sticking to it. For any gain, there will be a lost but it's a matter of what I want and what my heart desires. A life I want for my own.

Sayang,

Thank you for a wonderful year. Here's to many more to come. I love you.

Forever and Always,
Pika

Bangkok - Koh Phangan - Bangkok

2009-06-11T21:39:00.002+08:00

Thai trip to Bangkok and Koh Phangan was one hell of a time. It was definitely fun spending time with the Bf. But with fun came a fair share of (I really have no idea what the word is).

There was the jet ski incident which cost him 1,300. Then the missed flights which gave me 2 extra days in BKK - I really didn't mind that. And then there was the lost phone.

I feel like a jinx really. Coz it was my Jet Ski that somehow got damaged. And how the hell can I forget to ask about the phone and wallet when we got out of the cab like I usually do.

I am such a bad luck to be near. But I believe in one thing, it all happens in phases. My time will come soon. Not that it will be a mighty breeze but it will alleviate the rest of the bad karma that has happen. I hope it does.

Going back to work tomorrow after a full month of MC and an extra week of leave. I have a lot to catch up tomorrow. I'll be damned it something bad happens to me again. It just feels like it's not going to end - for now. Let's just take it one day at a time.

Test

2009-04-20T23:28:00.002+08:00

It was a tormenting night. Everything I have ever lived for seemed to crumble to my feet. Even when by the end of it all, I knew t wasn't real, it still hurts.

There's a lot I would like to pour out but I will leave certain things withing me. One thing I know for sure, I've not been myself after that. Yes I wake up in the morning and get down to my routine. The usual branch is skipped and I'll just have tea. Yes I go to work and act normal. At least I think I act normal but people have been asking me what's wrong with me and asking me to smile more. It's a good thing I could use the menstrual reason.

It was too hard for me that night. To a point where my walls came up and I'm drowning within it. It broke me into so many infinite pieces that its hard for me to piece myself back up again. I'm doing my best. I want my own self back. This is not me. It's my other persona that is taking over. The one that knows how to handle the pain. But I don't want her to win. I need myself back. And I need you. That's all that matters.

Love-Hate

2009-03-28T22:11:00.002+08:00

For 16 years of my life, I've had to live with a younger brother who from young was very mischievous. Who came into this world less than perfect with pus coming out of his eyes. And I was there, at the age of 5, wiping away those pus from his eyes. I saw him grow into what he is today. I had to shield him from the destruction of divorce that my parents went through.

But today, my heart really hurts. There was a volcano eruption that happened in the family today. Well, every family has their own set of problems and their own form of shortfall. And I acknowledged the fact that I may not be the best elder sister in the world. That sometimes the way I show care and concern is in a way that he cannot fathom.

But to have yourself push to the ground, that just breaks my heart. To see him holding a stick, ready to bash my mum, that hurts. I can't stay out of the way. I had to get involved. Especially when you gave your word to care for him.

Today, it brought back all the past memories in my life. The things that I went through alone. That I did not share with anyone and I crumbled. For a split second I had the thought of just jumping out and ending it all. But I can't, they still need me.

Mum was heartbroken. She loved him more that she loved me. That, I learnt a long way back. She did not know where she went wrong in raising her kids and it devastated me to see her in that state. For the simple reason that I know I am going to hurt her multifolds in the future. For the simple reason that I know I have to leave everything behind and continue with my life.

Yes I feel giddy now and my shoulder hurts. But he apologises. That is enough for me to understand that he is showing remorse. Of course, I know that he will still be the same. No matter how we may try to nurture.

I have lived with that for 16 years. Another day doesn't hurt. Or does it?

Mt mind is in a turmoil. I can't be able to think straight. And the past comes haunting back it hurts. Like there's something that's constricting the heart. I have always been envious of people whose life seems like they can frame it up on the wall.

There's a reason why I want so much in life. So that my generations do not suffer the same fate.

I have to let this out. Because I know if I keep it in. I will fall into depression again. The mask will return and the walls would spring up. I can't let that happen. I've come to far to succumb to that now.

Now I need my rest. My head is just spinning and I can't breathe.

2009-03-25T21:45:00.002+08:00

Back at work after a few days of rest which helped a lot in clearing some of the cough. Although I'm still coughing now, it is not as bad 2 weeks ago. It's also thanks to the BF who took great care of me during the period of rest.

Looking at my blog now it's like there is nothing more or anything else happening in my life. Oh wells, I ought to go now. Nothing much to say anyways. Much rather go play fb.

Keeping Mum

2009-02-27T12:20:00.002+08:00

There's probably a thousand and one things that are running through my mind now but I'm not going to pour it out. I think I'm getting used to all of it being under lock and key now.

Of Aches and Pains

2009-02-24T01:46:00.004+08:00

Wakeboarding yesterday was satisfying. My first set was not so good. I lost my confidence on the water and kept letting go of the handle doing my one wake jumps. But, surprisingly, I managed to nail my surface 360. This after a year of not riding.

Second set was much better. More confident and nailed a few good heelside one wake. I really missed wakeboarding. What happened to the times of going riding almost once a week. It was so much easier back then to fit it to my schedule.

Its a tad bit difficult now with work and everything. Benny drove the boat. And it was a first at punggol. Seems a bit more at ease now as I'm riding for leisure rather than competitively.

Spending time with Moon, Haha and Shaf was fun. Its a first for Haha and Shaf - and they both managed to get up on the board - after a few tries of course.

My stamina is down. Rode for a while and am out of breath. Now my whole body is aching. I feel like riding again. When, Im not too sure yet.

So many things I want, yet so hard to achieve. Been pouring my brain materials out doing my calculations for my savings and the expenses that Im going to use it on.

Thought of exploring 2 countries this year. Thailand and Bali. But it seems like I can only afford one. Definitely Thailand. Even that I have to budget and its killing my brain doing up the finances. My only hope is that this company of mine is kind enough to increase my pay after this year. I say after 2009 because the economic downturn is crazy this year.

At times I feel like banging my head on the wall, with hopes that it will help. But to no avail. I think I need a piggy bank. Maybe that'll help by a bit. Oh wells. We'll see about it.

On another note, the Bf is away for a whole 2 weeks. Freaking long by my standards. But I'm surviving. At least I'm trying to. 2 Weeks is already hard to bear. I can't imagine when I'm really gone for that whole period of my studies. *knocks head on wall*

Come home soon please.

2009-01-27T21:02:00.002+08:00

Meeting Moon yesterday was wonderful. We caught up with a lot of things that's been happening in our lives. And it was a lot of things. Except Neen wasn't there. So the reunion was not really complete but we made do. Maybe soon we will finally get to meet up - all three of us.

I'm not in my best mood today. Bills were opened and there seems to be a storm brewing. Pretty soon there is going to be an explosion yet again. I forked out closed to 300 for utilities bill so that it would go back to zero and mum can start from scratch again.

How can you be a head of the house but not take the responsibility of paying (maybe not all but part of) the bills? Seriously, if it was me, I would have felt pissed off at myself for not being able to provide for my family.

Seriously, I don't know if I can really save up for that degree. It hurts to see your dreams just disintegrate right in front of you.

Life's tough isn't it? But no matter what happens, I have to pull through.

I thought of going on a holiday sometime in the next few months. But I guess I won't be able to. I can't splurge my money like that. Looks like another month of cup noodles for me. Fuck care if its going to be unhealthy. Either that or I just go on a hunger strike.

Fucking pissed!

Worth

2009-01-25T05:54:00.002+08:00

It is 6am in the morning. And I am soon going to doze off. Need my sleep but not until I end work at 8.15am.

The BF is away to BKK for the long CNY wkend and will only be back on Wed. Which to me seems like a long time. But will pass fairly quickly.

Its amazing how when you have nothing better to do and you can't go to sleep (not because you don't want to, its more of because you can't), a lot of things are running through your mind.

Stupid useless worthless stepfather is telling lies again. Big bucks coming in my foot! I have been hearing that line ever since the day he step foot into that house.

And Mum is going crazy again with all her ramblings. She has this problem of hoping which she does not learn from. So when she hopes, in which we all know is a lie yet again, she will get crushed at the end of the day. And when she's stressed up, the whole house suffers from her incessant ramblings of what we know to be the truth in the first place.

Try debating with her is asking her why she puts up trust and hopes anyways, and her answer would be, if not she than who?

Well then, if that is the case, none of us wants to hear the incessant ramblings anyways do we?

So once again, nothing is being solved.

And at the end of the day, whatever I have put aside goes to naught. Eventhough I seem to eat Cup noodles or biscuits or nothing at all at work.

Unhealthy? I goddamned know about it. But that's the only way to sustain my lifestyle. Food glorious food = No shopping/Partying (or any other life for that matter). And for me to have the latter just means I can't have the former.

I'm just twisting everything around really. It's not that confusing.

But this all works for me coz not much food also equals to not much calories. I like the sound of that. Although I still think I need to start exercising.

For me to go Wakeboarding, in which I once used to love and still love, is impossible at this moment. It is too much an expensive sport for me to have. To have that means to sacrifice all other expenses.

Its fine. It was good while it lasted.

Lets just put it as pushing yourself to the limit. The more you cannot have it, the more you will persevere. *crosses fingers and hopes all goes well*

2009-01-08T22:56:00.004+08:00

I need to try to get to sleep. Starting work at 6am tmr. And after such long times that I have been in the afternoon shift, its gonna be hard waking up. Working morning is fun as the time passes by smoothly. Even though it can get hectic at times and not to mention getting hungry. Since breakfast is usually skipped and lunch can only e taken around 12noon when the midshift comes in. Thank goodness for Auntie Mui Eng and her goddamned wonderful omelettes.

My head is hurting for the 3rd day consecutively. No, there's no longer any thinner smell at work. Maybe its the menstrual cycle. It does crazy things to my body. And my mood for that matter. And it takes a toll on your body. You get tired and restless. Not to mention lifeless. Then again, you are losing blood.

Oh wells, I should really try to get to sleep. But there's a Christina Aquilera concert showing on TV as of this moment. Oh, and the Victoria's Secret fashion show earlier was spectacular. The Angels were so daym gorgeous.

Enough talkin and to sleep Pika!

Alritey. Fine already. Logging out now.

Toodles!

Blackness

2009-01-05T23:04:00.002+08:00

I feel sad. And depressed. For what reasons? I don't really know.

Missing him again. When in fact we went out just yesterday. He has that effect on me. I love you.

Double Flips

2008-12-18T00:23:00.002+08:00

It seems like life just handed me a silver platter and whoosh it away from me again. It goes *zoom*. Like the waiter walks past and saw something more interesting and totally forgot about me.

UniSIM called me this afternoon. They were asking if I was still interested in the Bachelor of Arts Degree in International Hotel and Tourism Management. Like DUHHHHH!!! Of course I am interested. However, since I still don't see any ton loads of cash falling on my parade, I had to reject the offer. Yet again!

I feel so depressed now. But I take comfort in the fact that there are others out there who is going through the things I'm going through, if not worst.

But Neen is right, the time when I finally get that degree, it will be all worth it.

Tormented

2008-12-15T22:18:00.002+08:00

Smiles all around and no one knows. This page is no longer safe. I feel bad for so many things. But I would do the same too. Pain gets unbearable at times but I'm holding on.

Work starting in another day. One last day of rest tomorrow. And a last day to catch Love Blossoms II and The Little Nyonya.

*knocks head on wall*

Need to get this out.

Shoutout!!

2008-12-15T11:31:00.001+08:00

Shoutout to Jyuneen:

LETS WATCH CATS THE MUSICAL!!!

Zoukout 2008

2008-12-15T11:26:00.000+08:00

Zoukout was a blast. It was nice to have a small area to yourselves without mixing with the other thousands of thousands of party revelers.

Saw Sri and Zai and another friend from Sec school but I forgot the name. Hehez. The only problem I find with the whole event is getting in to the area cause it was such a slow moving traffic at the Sentosa Gateway.

Reached home at abt 6.30am in the morning. Coolness I tell you.

On another note, my leave just got extended by 2 days. Cause I am scheduled on OFF for today and tomorrow. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but I can't wait to get back to work. It'll keep my mind occupied and I really need that.

Still feeling stressed.

Curahan Hati

2008-12-10T23:05:00.005+08:00

Terbentang luas samudera alam
Tampak tenang dalam kebiruan
Gelap sungguh keindahan malam
Degan kejora jauh bertaburan

Mungkinkah luas cinta dihati?
Atau sekadar gelora menghinggap.
Fatamorganaku yang diberi
Mungkinkah hilang ditelan kegerlapan?

Manusia sekadar manusia. Berbagai rencam. Tiada yang sama. Hatiku bak dihiris kaca retak beribu. Kejauhan tidak memberi ku ketenangan. Ianya seperti kegerlapan malam. Namun, tidak seindah ,malam kejora.

Dirasai diri seperti balak yang selalu jatuh menimpa hati. Namun, ianya tetap teguh walaupun hati retak beribu. Keganasan dunia sekadar cabaran yang harus dilalui. Seperti kehidupan seharian.

Hanya cinta hati yang membuat ku kukuh. Hanya itu yang masih menberi ku nafas walaupun diri ditenggelami lautan.

Bitch Slapping

2008-12-10T22:32:00.003+08:00

Meeting Moon today was fun even though it was for that few hours. Talking and reminiscing about the past always cracks us up. Those times were great. Time passes by so fast and we graduate, and it gradually took time away from us. Its so difficult to meet up these days. Moon's going in to Police training - like FINALLY! After so many months of waiting. Neen is running at a totally different timezone from my schedule. And Sri's schedule does not seem to tally with mine.

Oh and I finally met Hafriz after a year of Moon and him being together. Hehez. Neen has yet to see him though. Hopefully the catch up session this coming Friday will happen. Its been too long since I last met my twin.

Rereading Twilight again. I need my dose of fiction and fantasy. Its also because the movie is coming out. And I need to refresh my memory of the book first before I catch the movie.

Moon and me talked about our other coursemates who are everywhere now. Contrary to what people say, most of us are actually doing something in the industry that we studied in. And one of them is in Swiss right now doing the course that I so much want to do.

I need to get myself focused. Its a lump sum every month aside. So many things that I need to cut down on. Lets start off with sustaining with cup noodles at work or not eating at all. It kills two birds with one stone, lose weight and saves money. Get my bills balanced again. And cut down on my expenses. Its going to be hard. I'm going to waste my youth away but its for the betterment of myself. These things I need to help myself cause no one else will chip in whenever it comes to money matters.

First up, my license. Then, that degree. If I really follow my heart, I'd really love to continue working while I'm studying the first 6 months here. Not so into the part-timing as I won't be able to make much. I'm thinking more on working still as a PA but doing the night shifts and going to school during the day. Yeah, I'm crazy like that. It's practically like killing myself.

At the moment, I can't think of any other choice. I still need cash to pay up the bills every month when I am in school. Oh, and the school expenses too.

Darn. Now I feel depressed.

Oh wells, I'll find a way to make it work. To make everything work. I went through the process of making the decisions on where to go and what to do for my further studies. Its the decision making process that kills you. After that, I just follow through.

If I'd learn anything in my 20 young years of life - is that I am stubborn. I always get what I want. People may say that I'm just spoilt but hey, its my life I'm living aren't I? I choose my path. No one else does.

*Talk to the hand*

2008-12-05T21:46:00.002+08:00

I've been seeing the BF every day since Monday. Well, except for today. It feels like last time, when we're at the same place together, where we will wait for each other and end up catching a movie or just catching up with each other.

Those days were fun. There's a good and a bad side to it though. Meeting him everyday will just make me miss him more when I don't get to see him. And I'm all alone today. The family went over to Malacca in celebration of Hari Raya Aidilahdha this coming Monday.

It's the end of the year of the year again and it shows how fast time flies. Another year and I am turning 21. WOW! That's all I can say.

Zoukout is 1 week away. Can't wait for it. My leave starts next Tuesday, can't wait for that either but I'll be bored to death if I have to stay at home for the whole time. Oh wells, we'll see what goes.

Missing him already.

Super Belated Birthday Bash

2008-11-27T22:14:00.002+08:00

Last Friday was amazing. The girlfriends and bf planned a belated birthday bash for me. Location: Cafe Del Mar, Sentosa.

That night I was sober. At least I think so. It was fun catching up with the rest of the girl gang. Missed spending time with them. It used to be so fun in SVC. Oh, and Nevan and Rob came down too. Thanks guys.

The previous Tuesday, went to Zirca (the new club that sits on the R.I.P MOS site). The place wasn't so bad. The china dancers were way better than the ang moh ones. That night I was wasted, cause I was puking in the cab on the way home and the next day I was nursing a very bad hangover at work throughout the whole day.

Went out with the BF today and went to catch the new show Quarantine. Stressful - YES! Storyline - hand it on a tree and let it dangle.

Out shopping after that. And I love the pair of ALDO shoes that he bought for himself. Gorgeous I tell you. And I received a Ripcurl Zoukout shirt and some stuff I love from La Senza.

Have always been in love with Ripcurl and La Senza. Not forgetting ALDO.

Thank you sayang.

Moving On

2008-11-20T23:22:00.003+08:00

My menses cramp has been really bad today. Its still jabbing me from the inside and it hurts so bad. My mood has been sour. My back is aching. My body's heating up. And my head is spinning.

I still don't get why it has to hurt? Why can't it just let the blood flow without any cramps acting up? It's tough being a woman. Especially when you know your mood swings is going to take a toll on you. Darn.

Panadol doesn't seem to help this time round. But I am glad for one thing, that I'm on off today and I could suffer in the comforts of my own home. At least I don't have to go smiling all the way at work even though it hurts so bad.

I'm feeling boredom in the air. My off days doesn't seem to tally with anyone. Not with the BF. Not with Moon. Nor with Neen. Whenever is catch up gonna be?

And Neen is soooo cute. She just found out one word answers from me. Bet she's dying to hear more. See, that's a daym good reason for a catch up session. You are so behind time love. Need to get yourself updated.

Aniways, to both Moon and Neen, thanks for cheering me up. Though I still have no idea why I am feeling down. To know that you're there for me puts a smile on my face. I love you both. Even though I may not be there all the time. =D

Oh, and anonymous, you should really make yourself known cause I swear I have no idea who you are? What one to one session?

2008-11-19T00:52:00.002+08:00

So many things happened the past week. Things that got me worried and made me feel bad for not being able to be there for him. It's like i'm having bad vibes and i'm a jinx, if that really applies.

I keep telling myself that something good will come out of all these. But its a matter of time. My head has been hurting for the past few days. To a point where I couldn't be bothered to take any more panadol or painkillers cause its not good to be taking in on a daily basis. I've been there before, and it made me addicted to panadol.

It's hurting again now.It could be due to all the thinner we're inhaling at work. It's not a healthy workplace at the moment with so many constructions going on left, right, front, back. It's everywhere, circling us.

I've been ever so down these past few days. I have no idea what's wrong with me. And the nightmares are coming back. It has to be the thinner. Its getting to the head.

I need to cheer up.

2008-11-14T23:18:00.002+08:00

splitting.headache.too.many.thoughts.thinner.work.giddy.need.to.binge.cant.grow.fat.
pissed.stupid.brother.dont.know.to.charge.phone.after.use.FUCK.nx.time.dont.come.home.
punch.wall.bursting.empty.phonecalls.to.house.same.story.stupid.worseless.stepfather.
throat.hurts.cant.get.rid.of.excess.anger.need.focus.binge.binge.binge.cant.cant.cant.
hate.this.tmr.lock.door.no.idiot.brother.cant.mess.room.need.to.get.rid.of.all.this.
anger.need.work.head.hurts.throats.dry.vodka.anyone?

Cross My Heart

2008-11-13T14:45:00.002+08:00

Cross my heart
Oh
We say
Ooh

Cross my heart
Oh
I'll be

We got it all and we'd be fools to let it go
'Cause I need you more and more
You're my life and I live for your love that you give
And although my journey's long I'll soon be home

Oh
It's gonna be so hard on my own but I won't be alone

Cross my heart and tell no lies
No one's leaving you behind just because we said goodbye baby
Cross my heart I do believe
In my thoughts and in my dreams I'll be taking you with me baby

Sometimes I think that I can feel you breathing on me
You're there so deep inside
And I like what I feel though it's not always real
It helps me carry on 'til I come home

Oh
It's gonna be so hard on my own but I won't be alone

Cross my heart and tell no lies
No one's leaving you behind just because we said goodbye baby
Cross my heart I do believe
In my thoughts and in my dreams I'll be taking you with me baby

Dream a dream
A dream
A dream
A dreaming wherever you are you're near me

Please believe
Believe
Believe
Believe in whatever I say
I cross my heart

Cross my heart and tell no lies
No one's leaving you behind just because we said goodbye baby
Cross my heart I do believe
In my thoughts and in my dreams I'll be taking you with you me baby

Cross my heart and tell no lies
No one's leaving you behind just because we said goodbye baby
Cross my heart I do believe
In my thoughts and in my dreams I'll be taking you with you me baby

The End of HSM

2008-11-13T14:02:00.003+08:00

I finally got to watch my HSM 3: Senior Year yesterday night. This has been overdue for like wayyyyy long. But it was nice of you to come down and accompany me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I have always love Disney's productions. Partly why I am in love with HSM is maybe due to the fact that I can relate to the journey the characters are going through. The other reasons is mainly because, I grew up with that and I have always loved Musicals, Theatre, the Arts and Drama.

Part of yesterday's show portrayed part of my journey and feelings on the big screen. It's very hard to keep it in hiding when its being splashed out widely in front of me. It is a bittersweet feeling. More of the kind when Harry Potter came to an end. There is no more sequels to it. You grow with the characters and you really get deep into it.

My fiction lovers out there will understand.

Next up will be Twilight. The series I am so in love with right now. Partly because it seems to be a substitute for my fiction cravings the moment Harry Potter ended. Oh, and not forgetting that Robert Pattinson, the male lead in the show, is oh-so-gorgeously-HOT. He was the one who played Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter.

Talking about Harry Potter, I want to get me the first four books of the series in Adult Hardcover. But Borders is not selling them individually anymore. They are selling it in a whole set. The problem is, I do not need the whole set as I have the last three installations.

I should seriously go on a book therapy shopping at Borders. But not anytime soon. I am dead broke as of now. To a point where my bills will have to wait till next month to be paid. Jeez. I wonder where all my money went. Oh wells.

On another note, I am stuck on one S Club 7 song. I know what you guys are thinking. So old school right. S Club 7 was like way back then. Maybe I should place the lyrics in another post cause if I were to place it together with this post, it'll be goodness me long.

Wonderful Moments

2008-11-11T01:47:00.002+08:00

wonderful times are coming to an end.

It won't come to an end. We won't let it. Its already killing me when i don't see you that much. I'm still adjusting. It used to be so good to get to work. There was always something hopeful to look forward too. I know how it feels. And i know you feel it too.

Guess that's just how life rolls. Doesn't seem fair does it?

Something at work totally got me down today. To a point where I could not hide the blackness of my face anymore. It was hard to act normal when your hopes been crushed. I was so looking forward to tomorrow. Shit happens. But this is not the first time.

Its the second time that the roster was changed suddenly. I'm not blaming anyone. People are bound to fall sick. It could happen to me. I could jeopardise other people's plans. It is so unfair that all these keeps happening to me.

*knocks head on wall**knocks head on wall**knocks head on wall**knocks head on wall*

Ramblings

2008-11-08T17:54:00.003+08:00

I'm not really myself today. There was nothing to do at home and no one to go out with. Been a bummer for the whole day. I don't feel too good either. I'm definitely in need of a new resolution. And that is to be on time.

Plus a bad dream that I had, my day din really start on the bright side. To think someone wanted to kill me. Don't ask. It's a dream, it's supposed to be weird. Oh wells.

I need mixers for my vodka. I have the need to drink again.

Spending time with Sri yesterday was great. It's been loooonnnngggg since we karaoked. Singing, croaking, screaming. Followed by shopping and slacking with the peeps at the SVC.

After which, we went over to Supper Club and I saw familiar faces. To think an extended family member is going out with a former school mate. It's a small world after all. *shit. there goes the song in my head*

Missing the rest of the girl gang. Fanni, Kaisah and Beveyy. All are busy with some other stuff in their life. Hopefully it'll be over soon and we can meet up and get wasted again.

Know how I have always planned my life way ahead of me, so I can get what I really want in life? Now, there are a few things that I really want. It will be hard to coordinate everything into place. Especially if I'm missing him this much. I'm wondering how I'm supposed to survive when I go for my degree.

But I want both in my life and I will find a way to make it blend.

P.S: HSM 3 anyone? and Madagascar 2? (I am such a kid)

Catch Ups

2008-11-01T21:48:00.003+08:00

Feeling ever so restless now. Missing him so much even though I saw him last at 4.30am this morning. Halloween Night was fun.

I need my chain 'o's. Too bad there is no shops or stalls that are directly within my housing area. Being a lazy bump, I am just lazy to get out of the house and get me a pack.

Darn. I have no idea why but I don't feel too good. Maybe its the long days of rest from work. Tomorrow will be a same old day at work.

What happened to the times of fun that I used to have in school? I miss those days.

Working life is not that bad. It just gets very monotonous after a while. There's nothing forward to look to. Except for the time that I get to see him. That's something that always keeps me going.

The schedules not going to be friendly to us again this coming week. Gonna miss him so much more.

I have catch up sessions with so many others but its so hard to get together because of all the different timetables that we have. Some are in NS. Others are busy with school. And to the working class, work can be such a bore.

I am just randomizing this post aren't I. Maybe I have other stuff to talk about but it gets lost in translation.

2 Decades worth of life

2008-10-31T13:21:00.002+08:00

My Birthday did not really start out on a very good note. But it gradually improved. So much that I can say but I choose not to. I am one very emotional girl. Just that I do not show it often. I've always placed a jovial happy bubbly me on my face that sometimes people seem to think that I have no problems in life.

Aniways, that one message threw me off balance. Maybe I deciphered it wrongly and my emotions got the better of me. A picture without you in it will just destroy my dreams, my hope and my life. Sometimes I have nightmares and I wake up breathless. No Air.

I will never leave. No matter what the others say. And yes I do trust you. With all my heart, I really do love you.

The day was spent with the BF. None of my friends could make it. But at the end Moon came down since she was working so near. Countless Luge rides again. Hehez. That was fun. Eventhough one should never drink and drive.

Towards the end of my special day. Sri came down and surprised me with her presence. And she got me a cake. Sooooo sweet of you. The three of them tried to get me wasted. In which I really believed they succeeded. Moon, I was always your mother hen. Sri, you've seen me in a bad state before but I think not to that point.

That after burner really killed me. But it was fun. Love Love Love the day. Some times I'm the one who is really in need of a super wasted night. Though alcohol will never solve the problems.

On another note, Andrew gave me a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka for my birthday. He passed it to me while I was working the day before. Hehez. That got me real tempted to start drinking.

Oh well, at least I am still very disciplined. Yeah right. *rolls eyes*

I want to go for Halloween night tonight. Most probably at ButterFactory. Its just a matter if the rest of them can make it.

Ouh, and before I forget. Towards the end of my birthday celebration, I found out I could have a stalker on the loose. Its a long story and its not my story to tell. At least no more weird empty phone calls by anonymous caller.

One day and so many things happen. 20 years old and I've been through the ups and downs in my life. Slowly my bubble is bursting. I am a kid no more. I am an adult now. No more a teen. The responsibilities are starting to pour in. What happened to the time when we were kids and all we had to do was enjoy life without thinking of our own survival, as others were thinking about it.

I want to be that small again. Nothing to worry about and no matter what happens, everything goes according to plans.

I made a wish that day. But I told you before, my wishes don't come true. Except for the time that you drop by during my night shift. That came true. Hopefully the wish I made this time round will come true too. *clasp hands, bows head, makes a wish, blow out the candle*

2008-10-25T23:23:00.002+08:00

I just noticed I have not been blogging in much ever since I started work at PPSS. Pure lazyness I guess. I could come up with reasons of being tired after work and such but it still boils down to one thing. Me being lazy.

Sayang, I never did knew you know that I have a blog. Nor did I knew that you actually read it. Really full of surprises that always amazes me.

As it is

2008-10-24T23:48:00.002+08:00

Too many things going through my mind right now. Whatever I feel will happen is starting to happen. I don't blame them, they just want the best for me. But at the end of the day, it is still my life that I am leading.

Its not going to be fair to both parties. One side is people whom I've been with from the moment I got to this world. The other is my half. You will never be able to make everyone happy.

The question now is, at the end of the day, who should be happy? My answer is... ME.

How to be happy when I can't bear to break the heart of anyone. My heart is breaking yet no one knows. There is not a need for any of them to know about it. Let me be the sole bearer of this pain cause its no one elses'.

Give me a bucket and I pour my tears into it.
Give me your heart so I can pour my feelings.

A Month of Updates

2008-10-19T03:05:00.002+08:00

A lot has been happening thus far. But i've not updated this blog since forever. First and foremost - I got my top back. YAY!!! *jumps up and down in ecstasy*

Ahiways, I have planned a lot for my future. I want this to be it. I believe so too. But as always, shit happens. Hopefully, nothing will block whatever that I want in my life.

Spending time with the BF has been wonderful. He's so attentive to my needs. Always saying that I bully him a lot. Hehez. Truth be told, I'm just very pampered, ever since young. And I love it when people pamper me.

Just thinking about him puts a smile on my face. To know that I love someone and that I am loved right back is a truly wonderful feeling. Nothing more that I could possibly ask for.

There's so much that I could say right now but I don't know where to begin. Some are just not meant to be relayed on this site of mine.

Countless times spent together and I still do miss him. Now its getting harder to meet as we are at 2 different places that runs at different times. Nothing to worry really, I love him so that I know we'll make time for each other.

He's always full of surprises. Meeting me up after work. Coming over to my place with a cake for Mum's birthday. Small little things that I really do appreciate. One that really cares for my well being.

You always say that thank you is not needed cos whatever that you have done for me is all with love. But I still have to say...

Thank you for coming into my life and giving me all the love you've got with no boundaries.

Stonewall

2008-09-08T22:07:00.003+08:00

It's over. And done with. At this point in time, I am really numb. To everything else that surrounds me. You did it. Something which I prevented myself to do. Mucho gracias!

The past comes flooding back
A wave that sweeps me off unguard
But my heart will never crack
With a stonewall that wraps it hard

I have always believed in myself and that trait will never change. Let me say, I was a bitch, I am a bitch, and I will always be a bitch.

My definition of bitch - someone who does not care who she hurts just as long as she gets what she wants.

Get that in your head. Tell that to the 'them'. I don't give fuck shit. Never mess with me. Cause I will take oh-sweet-revenge.

What makes you think you did the right thing? What makes you think you came up with the decision? Who do you think push you that point? Who do you think place you in that spot?

These are mere questions love. Nothing that I would answer. Everything that will make you think more. You took it too. These could be mind games. These could be fantasy. These could be real.

With whatever that comes and hit, there will always be a mark. That mark that stays serves as a reminder. A reminder that I am right. That I will always be right. No matter how wrong I can get. I will still be right. And that is a right that I put onto myself. A right that belongs to me, in which I own, me.myself.and.i, where I can choose what to do with myself and my life and everything else that happens around me.

Pissed

2008-08-19T00:19:00.002+08:00

I feel pissed to the point where I can't show my anger even if I wanted too. I'm not even able to write what I'm feeling at the moment. My heart feels constricted. My brain is just clouded.

Is it my fault really? I have been accommodating. That I am definitely sure off. What have I not done in a sense.

Never do I think that this could happen but shit always happens. There is really no point in tears right now. I want to meet up. Lets just say its not happening right now.

Too much leeway. So hard to take back. Lets put on a mask. And keep up the facade.

HSM Ice Tour

2008-08-09T14:45:00.003+08:00

HSM Ice Tour was fun fun fun!!! Yes people, I did go for the show. I paid $62.50 just to catch High School Musical on Ice. And I love every second of it.

There was lots of screaming, singing and even dacing. Not to mention my over excited laughter which sounds evil to everybody else's ears. The show was brilliant. Den again, what do you expect?? Its HSM after all.

For the whole day yesterday I could not hold back my excitement. It grew worst when its nearing showtime. Even my colleagues were like saying there's a kid in their midst. Hehez.

So much fun. So much fun. I wanna watch it again. I'm still hyped up about the show. There was a lot of camwhoring. But I won't be uploading them now.

Ouh, and I saw Far and Hans after the show. I saw Far first from afar. I miss him so much lah. Long time neva see him. And oh my oh my, he really did lose a lot of weight. The beer belly does not seem to be protruding too much. And even his face kinda shrunk a bit. Oh and Hans owe me a HSM shirt. Hans if ure reading this, please remember to pass it to me!!!

Till the next time when I'm free and not lazy to blog.

I love you all. Peace out!!!

Darkness of My Heart

2008-07-24T21:18:00.002+08:00

It has been 2 weeks since I last saw my hot stuff. To say that I don't miss him is too much of an understatement. Its like at times, the amount I miss him feels like my heart is bursting. Can that be possible? I say yes.

ARRGGGHHHH!!!!!!! *pulls hair and knocks head on wall* That is what I feel like doing now. I can definitely start whining now but I choose not to.

My heart longs for you.

and she silently weeps.

PPSS

2008-07-20T14:46:00.003+08:00

It has been thus long since I actually updated this online page of mine. First reason was I keep procrastinating. Second reason was because I started to get busy.

Today is my first off day after 6 days of non-stop working at my new workplace - Pan Pacific Serviced Suites (PPSS). So far everything have been great. Learned a lot from my buddy - Sunarti.

At least I've tried doing check-ins and room orientation. Nx up is the check-out. Thank goodness I took OPERA in school.

**NEWSFLASH**
OPERA is not the soprano kind of singing. It is a hotel system that most if not all hotels use.

However, the system PPSS is using is HIS, slightly different but all the same. At least I had some ideas on how it works. It shows that whatever I have studied for have not gone to waste. Even the Accounting subjects did me good.

The job is a 6 day work week and being in the hospitality industry, you can just burn off your weekends and PH. My job title is a Personal Assistant (PA). We practically do everything from Front Desk, Butlering, Room Service, Concierge and everything else that you can possibly think off.

I love my job. Eventhough sometimes it gets me shagged and feeling lethargic. My guests are nice people. Most of them are. My colleagues are helpful and we all make a great team.

Yesterday I was at work from 2pm to 2am. Amazing. We had a big group check-in who came in at 1am. Everything went well. I am still learning.

But I need to start focusing. No matter what, I need to get me a degree. I want to go to Swiss.

Missing him so

2008-06-29T01:30:00.002+08:00

How is it possible that after so long of being alone, that when you are no longer alone... your alone time kills you.

The schedule is a bit hectic at the moment. I know its the crunch time in school and I understand that. The projects and presentation are at a crazy around this time.

I miss him so, but I'll hold. Waiting always kills. But when you meet up next, it'll be worth it.

Single No More

2008-06-22T11:20:00.002+08:00

Last night was great. Ok, so I din really get to see my Kung Fu Panda. But the Never Back Down show was not that bad. Now I really feel like taking up Muay Thai so I can kick ass. hehez. wait long long.

This time round I was not wasted. Which was good. And just being with you made everything seems perfectly right. As I have said, my wall is now under lock and key. I don't have to chiong so hard to protect myself anymore. I don't have to run. I am finally accepting.

22nd June 2008, 1.17am.

ILULGF.

Confession

2008-06-15T22:35:00.002+08:00

A lot happened in such a short time. I don't even know where to begin. It feels like everything is swirling at the same time. I am confused more than ever. I hate it when my walls go up and I run as far as I can. Make me seem to be too much of a coward and a failure. In which I don't like to fail.

Before I continue with my incessant ramblings about how confused I am, let me just get some things that happened out first. Ok so lightning does strike twice at the same spot and it was great.

Dom was on Power 98fm this afternoon singing covers and originals. I miss his singing but the whole hour of live acoustic got it away. He sang my favourite song of his composition - 342. The last time he sang that was at Velvet Underground for some sort of competition. Oh yeah, will have to meet him soon for a catch up session, so he can tell me all abt his stay in Japan.

Someone confessed something and it triggered yet another something in me. That confession got me confused. I always tend to do that to myself. Let me get this straight - I do like you too and more than a friend. I felt something before and you spark it again with the confession.

I am afraid of losing the friendship and starting something new all together. Yet I am willing to give it a try. I need to meet you. We need to talk things through. I will still be the same me. Its a facade I always use when I hide my feelings. I am masked yet again.

P.S: Can I say that I may be falling for you too?

Party Angels

2008-06-13T22:48:00.003+08:00

Yesternite was fun to its maximum capacity. So I finally got my beloved Victoria's Secret tops that I purchased online. And so I wore my very pretty red dress yesterday when we, party angels, had our nights out.

Ok so we met up at PS and had something to eat from Mac. Thereafter we made our way to Dbl O.

Queue was uber freaking long but we got through it. Songs started a tad bit on the boring side. Till they started playing Low and that's when the party started. Oh yeah and she did get wasted at the end of the night.

Saying she wanted to sleep and puke and all those nonsense. Hehez. It was fun to see it all happen. Ouh and I met the other Pika from my Hyatt days. She was down with her bf who's back from Brunei. Glad to know the two of them are still going strong.

And was supposed to go off somewhere after the clubbing part but could not leave the drunk one and Sri. But how I regret that choice. If I had known that family was not going to be at home in the morning. I would have gladly gone. Still, its past. He said lightning doesn't strike twice at the same spot. But I'm hoping it does. =P

Tmr is going to be another hell of a party night for me!!!

Karaoke-ing

2008-06-06T22:03:00.002+08:00

Ok this post is a few days overdue. Went to Cash Studio on Tuesday for a 4 hour karaoke session with Sri. The first 3 hours were free since I got this special card. Anyways, the session was spectacular, even if i say so myself.

Both Sri and me make a perfect duet. Although we were screaming and croaking at some songs - more to the rock ones, we still have a nice melodious voice for most of the songs. And yeah, we were going down memory lane by singing songs from Aqua, A1, N'SYNC, S Club 7 and many more.

It was a crazy nite and another session is up soon. Can't wait.

Stagnation

2008-06-03T14:41:00.002+08:00

Seriously. She needs a killing. From ME!!! I am so daym bored sitting at home. It is so unlike me. I am so used to working and earning lots of cash that when I don't work and sit at home with nothing to do, I get pissed. This anger is really only directed to one person. She sucks BIG time!!!

I need to find a new job soon. I cannot live my life like this. I need cash to pay for my bills. I need cash to have a life. Most importantly, I need cash to be able to continue my studies.

I want to go back to the Hotel industry. As much as I hate it and know how working life in a hotel is. I still love it. My job now is getting mundane. Truth be told, it is not exactly a job since I am not working every single day that I used to.

My brain is shutting down by the seconds. I am just not functioning well. I super duper hate U JT from KS. Oh how lovely it is to be able to kill someone and get away with it.

Now, lets start sending resumes out shall we.

Diari Hatiku

2008-05-29T22:53:00.004+08:00

prasarana hatiku tidak begitu kukuh

sudah berkali ianya runtuh

namun, aku tetap mengguris diriku sendiri

setiap kali ku bertembung, aku ingin terbang ke awangan

mencari fatamorgana ku

namun, pancaroba hidup selalu bertentangan

penerbangan yang indah terhempas ke bumi

kesakitan yang sama harus ku alami

namun, ia tetap harus diketepi

sekali terguris

selamanya merana

aku kesunyian

tiada merdunya burung berkicauan

tiada harumnya bunga di taman

tiada mekarnya rasa di hati

diriku bak sebutir pasir di pantai

mudah ditiup angin

mudah juga ditenggelami lautan

Graduation - TP HTM

2008-05-22T23:00:00.003+08:00

It's amazing how for 3 years of your life you work hard to only get a paper certification at the end of the day. I find it fulfilling. That little piece of paper is the evidence that shows how I have lead my life in poly. The shits we go through with the tons of projects that does not stop pouring in. The enjoyments and parties we had with each submission and passing semester. The months of long holidays which end up with most of us working to sustain our ever high maintenance life.

This is but the life of a poly student. And mine is the life of a Hospitality and Tourism Management student. Yesterday I fully graduated from my course. The ceremony itself as all other ceremonies started out with the boring speeches. However, the enthusiasm of the graduands cheering for each and everyone of their course mates were making up for the boredom.

CMM, HTB, HTM and RMT. These were the four courses that were the first to graduate from the 2005 batch, since of course we were graduands of the first session of the first day.

It was a battle of the courses when the awards were given out. Being one of the best courses in Business schools and with a total of 255 graduands, HTM was of course the loudest of them all.

Yesterday was probably the last time that I will get to meet most of my course mates. Everyone will be heading in their own different paths right now.

As for me, I will be missing the times that I stay up late getting the projects done on time. Not sleeping for more than 50 hours. Walking around school like a zombie. Binging on the oh-so-cheap school food. Ogling at all the eye-candies. Gagging at the sight of the eyesores. Going for Wakeboard dry training sessions in sch and trainings at Kallang. Going for coregroup meetings with the DramaTec peeps. Skipping classes to catch a movie at the school library. Or have fish and chips with Moon. Or just for the sake of skipping.

To all my friends who graduated, my heartest congratulations!!! To those of you still in the course of study, your turn will come soon. In the meantime, enjoy school life as much as you can. There is never the same experience when you leave.

PS:

Moon - You have been with me since the time when we first step into school. I love the times when we have our "moments" that others don't seem to understand. And I am missing the times when we hang out with each other. Our friendship is one that is rooted deep in our hearts and will stay no matter what we face in the future. I love you Moon!!!

Jyuneen - It's amazing how we can click with each other on the spot without knowing each other before. You are my source of rationale when my mind fails me. You are always there for a listening ear. Even with our hectic schedules now, I know that we will keep each other in mind. I heart you my Sayang!

Abg - Eventhough we are not blood related, I have always treated you as my ABG. We share the same passions in Dance and you brought it to the next level. How I wish I could find time to do what you do best. Dance on my ABG!

Sri - We only got close when we started our stint in STB. Now we are like inseparable. We are rebellious at times. But most of the time, we are ever so gorgeous in and out of work. They say we look like twins. Even my mum agrees. You are my mother hen when I tend to get wasted which I always do whenever I am with you. We share almost the same past eventhough our paths never crossed back then. We have so much in common yet I have only truly known you since 8 months back. We have come so far in these past months. I know for a fact that we will forge our friendship deeper. I love you Sri!

Leon - You were the first person I spoke to in Psychology class. We started off slow then but we managed to get close now. Its amazing how I can click with you so well. I remember the time when I lost my handphone. You were such a Darl, not forgetting a gentleman, to accompany me to the various places in school as well as to get the new SIM card and handphone. You are another person with whom I can get wasted cause I know you will always keep me safe. Do keep in touch. I don't want to lose you. Love you Hon!

To the rest of my friends - I may not have mentioned you in this post. But you are part of me and you made my life in Poly so much more interesting. These includes all those in my classes, my Wakeboard kakis, my Drama peeps and those I made friends with at random.

A Bout of Illness

2008-05-17T22:43:00.002+08:00

Ok. Every single time I get sick. I get the whole combo of sickness. My cough started from Monday and continued to escalate till today. Took MC yesterday and din go to work. Today went to work but gt gastric pains so went home earlier.

Was supposed to go out but both parties are feeling under the weather. So it got cancelled. Which is for the better. The next time it happens, I am so gonna drink to the hearts' content. Hehez... No no. I should give others a chance to get wasted.

Aniways, gastric pains are gone. But the cough is ongoing. I know for a fact that it will continue till like forever. Darn. This is what happens when U seldom fall sick.

On another note, my bank loans weren't approved. So family and I are trying to find other means of payment. Ultimately, if nothing goes as planned for now, I will defer and go for the January 2009 intake.

In the meantime, what am I going to do? Work, work and work I guess. Man, what a life!!!

Loans

2008-05-09T10:21:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I was busy applying for bank loans to pay off my school fees. Its not easy. That much I can say. I am not 21 yet this year, thus the need for guarantors and stuff like that. Went for Maybank and RHB Bank.

Hopefully it'll pull through. There's still Mendaki for me to give a shot. Hopefully Mendaki is willing to give me the maximum amount of $8000 rather than loan it to me. Also, Maybank can't give me deferred payment as my course of study is less than 24 months. RHB says it is harder to get the loan approved if I am asking for deferred.

Seems like I will have to pay the disbursed amount the moment the loan is approved. That doesn't seem much of a problem. My solution to it is to study and work at the same time. Alternatively, find a rich boyfriend or something. Hehs, won't happen.

In any case, its another wait for me. Till the next time I update.

Accepted

2008-05-04T22:08:00.003+08:00

I finally got the acceptance letter that I was waiting for. I got accepted into the Bachelor of Arts in International Hotel and Tourism programme. Now I have to make the 1st payment of approx. $12,000. This has to be done by the 14th of May.

It seems like a bank trip to the different banks for me now. And a matter of getting an education loan that could pay for my continuous study.

This is the hard part. I know my financial position. Without the bank loan, I won't be able to get in this July intake. But I have to try. I definitely want to continue studying first. Thereafter, it'll be a working life for me. But for now, I gotta study.

Mom doesn't agree. She feels that I shld work first and at least get a bank loan later for the January intake. That is not my plan. I am not ready for the working world as of yet. Contrary to beliefs, it is still a paper chase out there. I am but another kiasu person trying to make my mark and my dreams come true.

It is not easy. Nothing is. The journey is just beginning.

Drunked Again

2008-05-03T12:56:00.002+08:00

It was long ago that I last updated you on my life. Nothing much is really happening just that I am working my arse out to earn, earn and earn. Time can be turned to money and so I'd rather work than stay at hm.

Ever since the pay went up to 9 an hr, I haven't been getting a life. Its like it flew off the window. But I gt my life back last nite.

Met Leon at Clarke Quay station at 8.30pm (was supposed to be 8pm, but I was late). We were thinking of places that both of us haven't been to yet and so decided on Dbl O. Contrary to what I've heard abt the place being Mat-ified and Minah-fied, it wasn't last night.

And so the drinking begin. Trust me not to eat first before drinking. WTH. I got high like so much faster. Once again, I get the chance of not being the mother hen of the night.

By some time in the morning, I was way beyond my capacity of control. The puking started and thank god Leon was there to bring me out. Or I would have fallen of the stairs if I were to get out by myself.

Fresh air did me good. But it came to the point that I needed to slp badly. But I couldn't. Cause everytime I close my eyes, I get tickled and I would sprang up again. After some time we went back in to get my bag. But I ended up dancing again. They were playing Low *who doesn't wanna dance when they play that song???* My one song became two and then three and I don't rmb how many else.

Till finally we took my bag and I was safely brought to the cab where I conked out throughout my whole journey till I was nearing home. The night was fun. I need another session. Anyone interested?

Choices

2008-03-16T23:20:00.002+08:00

Officially graduated from TP. Just waiting for the graduation ceremony in May. It comes to the point where I have to make decisions in my life again. The last choice I made landed me a place in the Diploma in Hospitality and Tourism Management course. The one that I really wanted.

So far, life has been kind. So much has passed. The years just flew by. But the future is yet to come.

Now I need to make a choice. A degree course in International Hotel and Tourism at SIM. A full year full-time course. A semester here in Singapore. The other in Switzerland. The prospects look good but the cost is beyond my capacity.

The loans I have to take if I really want to go. But I made a choice. The choice to send the application form and see how it goes. I may not get the July 2008 intake, but there is always the January 2009 intake.

If I ever manage to get to study in Swiss, another step of my ladder is fulfilled. It has always been a dream. Like the dream to work in Dubai, which is still far fetched. Lets take it day by day. We'll see how it goes.

Peacefulness

2008-02-25T12:31:00.002+08:00

Work yesterday was splendidly beautiful. That is so cause you weren't there. It's so nice to have no one breathe down your neck. If only everyday was like yesterday, I wouldn't mind going to work.

Met Rosie for the first time in weeks. See, I am nice to people. But only not to you. I can work with others and others can work with me. But I cannot work with you. Even Moon agrees that you are U.G.L.Y.

I have nothing else to say. Just that we work better without you around.

Poison

2008-02-23T14:02:00.002+08:00

Work has been whacked ever since I came back the previous Monday. Unagi is still the same. Trying to get into everybody's nerve, like Unagi used to do when we were still interns. Seriously speaking, I have no idea how I am going to survive in this kind of working environment. But I am here for the money, not to make more friends, not to say nemesis.

The oldies at work cannot be trusted. That is an actual fact. They think they've lived long enough in this world, thus having more knowledge and experience than us. I do not deny that. But having lived long enough in this world and being so bloody old means you are going to die soon. DIE MOTHER FUCKERS DIE!!!! DIE AND BURN IN HELL!!!

That is how pissed I am today and most of the days that I am at work. I an only less stressed when I am in my own element, that is attending to guests and assisting them in their queries regarding the country. Even though there are sucky visitors to serve, I find them more humane than the people I work with.

Do not get me wrong people. I love my fellow interns and now part-timers. All of you. Sri, for being my pillar when I feel pissed. Alverina, Beverly, Kavan, Xavier and Deli. Of course not forgetting Sam and Haha who is no longer working with us as part-timers. Its the rest that I cannot stand.

So much for saying that we should not talk behind people's back, just because it is like poison that will spread. Yet, you are the one going back on your word. Spreading the poison to the rest of us. Like what mother minion said, we are slowly dying from the poison that you took the liberty to spread.

But if anyone ever points a finger at you to pinpoint the start of the poison, you will retaliate. Using the bad things you collected against us in your defense. Smart game that you are playing.

I am sorry to say, you are not smart enough. You do not know me as who I really am. You undermine my capabilities. Let me tell you now, I may be sweet and bubbly and make friends with the whole world. That is my demeanour, that is who I am. But you missed out a point. Never step on my tail because you won't be able to handle the pain that I will cause you.

Hurt me and you will hurt a thousand times over.

This is a blog of my feelings and it is meant to have grouses and even happy occasions or feelings that I may have. So if you come across this blog and read this entry. And you feel that I am talking about you, go ahead. It only proves that you are guilty to me. Go ahead, hate me.

I don't need you to like me, I love myself enough.

Slashed at 2.25pm.

Casio Camera

2008-01-30T23:16:00.000+08:00

Alrite. I got an offer from Shane for a Casio Exilim Camera. But I'll only be able to get that from him when I get my next pay. Which is not anytime soon.

On another note, tmr is my interview at STB for the Senior Officer position. Mine's at 12 noon. Hoepefully I do not screw up. And we're supposed to be writing a short essay about what I have no idea. We'll see how it goes tmr.

And I am still in love with that Sleeq dude. Lurveeee his voice. Just love it.

Choose Me

2008-01-29T23:00:00.000+08:00

OMG!!! Syarif is like sooooo cute... If ure wondering hu? Its that gorgeous Sleeq guy... The other one - Alyph is not bad but Syarif's like wayyyy better...

Their songs are good... but seriously... i tink this is like a case of ABG Taufik... where I just hyperventilate whenever I hear the name, song, watever that has to do with him...

Oh yeah... this Syarif dude is like a year younger... Not that I care. He's just pure gorgeous... Ouh, and Ihave reasons to believe that he's attached too... Not that I care about this point either.

N he shld choose me when I sing their song. Hehez... I'm crappin, I know.

By the by, SIP is OVER!!! Its now back to sch and finishing up the last module.... N that is only 15 minutes a week!! Beat that. But there's a whole load of research to be done.

On an end note. This is random, but its sooo true - I LOVE ME!!!

2008

2008-01-01T20:18:00.000+08:00

Ok. We are officially in the year 2008 and my 2007 have been brilliant. No complaints even with some down parts to it but its all part of life.

Countdown yesterday at Clarke Quay was *I can't find a word to describe it*. Yeah. Got myself wasted but was still able to rmb the things that happened yesterday. First time ever whereby I am not the mother hen. Sri got to hold that position. Hans was the most sober considering he din drink since he have to ride his bike home. Far was not his usual self like how I know him at work.

Den there was Dro who is the nicest of the other 3 friends, I think. And Faizal who smells all bubble-gummy. Plus Shane who is just so adorably cute and he lost my ring. Btw, I happened to love that ring.

Miraculously, at the point where I was puking my sliced fish soup out, Wan called me back after ages of waiting. And thank goodness my best friend and the rest of my KSS guys happened to be at MOS. They came to my rescue and escorted me home. These are the guys that I truly trust to keep me safe at all times. Eventhough there were making some corny jokes - which they always do.

After not seeing them for ages, they seem to have changed a lot. Pool's face was breaking out when his complexion used to be so smooth and he claim he got leg hair now though I din get to see it. Fred, Fiq and BangKai lost considerable amount of weight. Fred looks good. Afiq looks more hindustani to me and BangKai is still very huggable even with the weight loss. And Wan... is still Wan and my best friend.

Finally reached home at 5pm where I just changed and went to sleep. Woke up at 10am with a headache and having my menses. Headache plus menstrual cramps and aches is just not a good combination.

At least I'm feeling better now. Got myself perked up by buying me coke - which I got by pestering my Dad to drive me to Sheng Shiong so I could get it. In the end we bought a 1.5L bottle and a 24 can carton of Coke. Oh and btw, I think the Coke is only left with about 14 cans. Yeah.

I believe this practically sums up my 2007 and begins my 2008. I gave up on resolutions a long time ago. Its best to take life as it is. That's the way isn't it? In any case, I love the feeling of being wasted. Anyone care to go for a smashed session with me? But you will have to take care of me though. =D

PS: Far, Hans and Sri - Yesterday was FUN. Lets have more of it!!!

PPS: BangKai, Fiq, Fred and Wan - Thx for coming to my rescue and accompanying me home. Love you guys!!!

To the rest of the world: Happy 2008!!!

Letting It Go

2007-12-28T21:00:00.001+08:00

The year is almost to its end. 2008 is looming in the horizon. It seems to me that its time for me to let go of the feelings that have been with me for quite some time now. It is time for me to move into this new year being me again. I miss myself.

The feelings have been oozing out of me for quite some time but now is the best time for me to let it all go.

I'm better off going my own way rather than get stuck in something that I am not ready for. I love myself and that is all that matters.

Diarrhea

2007-12-21T23:56:00.000+08:00

I haven't been feeling good from yesterday. Went to the Doc this morning and it was a case of diarrhea. Din go to work today. Wasn't up to it. Lower abdominal pains throughout last night and today. How it hurts. To make things worst. No one is at home. Mum, Grandparents, Younger Bro and Baby Sis all went off to Malacca this morning. Dad working.

I'm just in pain. Hopefully tomorrow it'll be better. If not it's another trip to the Doc for me.

Book Crazy

2007-12-19T22:51:00.000+08:00

Remember the time when I once said I wanted the Emma Harte series by Barbara Taylor Bradford? Guess not. Aniways, I got it. The whole series. All the six books. And I must say, I'm pretty proud of myself.

I've been to Borders fortnightly these past 2 mths. Somebody should get me a Borders privilege card - as a present. Heh.

I spent $22 on 3 bks just now. Had this voucher - 4 full priced book for 40% off. Bev bought the fourth book. Come to think of it, all the interns at SVC Orchard are bookworms.

Now I feel the need to shop sumore. Shld do some online searching later.

Wanna continue watching heroes but I dun have the strength to sustain the suspense so I'd rather not. Eventhough there are 4 eps loading at this moment.

Continuity

2007-12-18T00:04:00.000+08:00

I'm back ppl. PD was ok but mix it with the rest of the family - it was F.U.N. I'm not going to explain it. Too tired for that part of the entry. But I am going to say that I am still stuck with Heroes. Now on Season 2, Ep 2. A lot is going to happen. I know that much from wiki-ing.

Aniways, I'm still clueless about the events that is surrounding me. Yes yes, I said I don't wanna talk about it and I still do not want to talk about it. Let's just leave it at that.

Heroes

2007-12-14T03:10:00.000+08:00

I am done with Heroes Season 1. I bet there is more to come in Season 2. But I won't be able to get to watch it anytime soon.

Aniways ppl, just to inform you. I won't be in Singapore for the next 4 days - starting 14th Dec up till the 17th. Will drop a note when I get back. For the benefit of the doubt, I am going up to Port Dickson with the whole family gathering there. So yeah.

That's its. I need to sleep so as to wake up early tomorrow. Taa lovelies.

Impulse

2007-12-10T10:48:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a total case of impulse buying. NUM Heeren had a promotion going on for their havainas slippers. Going at 20% off and get a free tuky-tuky for your slippers. Woohoo!! And I actually bought a pair of black floral prints on white base. PReeeTY!!!

Tell you the truth, I don't really need another pair of slippers. But it'll be an addition to my collection of footwear. =D

Leave

2007-12-04T23:28:00.000+08:00

Leave me be
to let it be

Hanging by the Moment

2007-12-03T23:55:00.000+08:00

There comes a point in time in life where waiting just takes a toll on you. In a sense, waiting is being selfless as it takes patience to get or achieve that something that you want.

Maybe I should end this wait. No. Not maybe. I should end this wait. I am going to say that I am missing you. That I shall not hide. But its time I took charge of my life. Cause I am not so into waiting. Been doing that for the past situations and it got me no where.

Lets believe in me having a say in my life. Let it be black if I want it too. Let it pure and white, if I want it too. But life is filled with gray areas. It does not look too easy does it? But that's how it works - in weird wonders.

Maybe there is a silver lining behind this incident. I am not sure but if it ever comes back, lets just wait for the moment shall we? See, the word wait comes into play again. Maybe that's just how life is. We never know.

I want mine to be filled with colours and scented with lavender or vanilla, maybe even cinnamon. I want mine to flow through without glitches. I want mine to find that person that I've been waiting for.

It seems like waiting is just a part of life in itself. We still have to go through with it.

2007-11-16T00:19:00.000+08:00

Saw Shamiir at Wdlds station whilst on the way back from work just now. He was with another girl. No idea who though. Just said hi & bye and we went our separate ways. I don't wanna jeopardise anything.

Anyways, meeting him transported me back to a time when something like how I'm feeling at the moment happen. Maybe it could be a sign. Or it could just be coincidence. Heck. I don't give fuck shit.

I need to get me out of this situation before it gets any worst. Bleah!!! Good stuff session anyone??? Need more in my system.

Masked

2007-11-14T02:40:00.000+08:00

Just came back from a happy-go-lucky time with my mates from SNT. Its been a long time since I actually spend time with them to that extend. A whole load of ppl were present. Compared to the previous time when there were only two girls.

Anyways, the session did me good. Needed a whole load of the stuff to get my mind off things. Din work as much though coz I was still thinking about stuff while in the cab. N it is surprising how I can still blog in with the amount of good stuff and chain-o's I took in.

Love says I find it a hopeless case. Which I tend to agree to a certain extent. But a part of me still wants to hope. Can I say that I love you? Or should I just run away and hide?

I'm done in. Let me just be me in normal circumstances and me being the real me when no one else is around. I'm masking myself. But I still lead a life in how I want to live it. Oh the irony!

2007-11-13T00:12:00.000+08:00

Let's get it out in the open shall we!!! I hate this feeling. But at times, it warms me up inside. I'm torn. It's ever so hard to figure it all out and it gets harder when I try to let go. I know for a fact that nothing will happen. Call it instinct. Call it senses. I just have that feeling.

I don't even know how to relay my thoughts and feelings in this entry anymore. It hurts so bad. Maybe some of you may understand what I feel like but do you feel the pain that it causes?

People tell me to take it on a day to day basis. Go with the flow they said. The river never flows straight down. It always meanders. And every time it meanders, I get hit on the banks.

Lovestoned

2007-11-06T23:55:00.000+08:00

A lot have happened since my last update. My burfdae was a blast. Thx Neen for the company on our Sushi Buffet. Food makes me happy. And of course, the card that u made specially for me.

To my fellow interns and colleagues at SVC Orchard, thank you ever so much for the surprise cake and card you guys made out of the brochures that we use everyday. Ingenious!!
_______________________________________________________________________________________

I can't help but think what will happen to us. I don't want to dwell on things or harbour hopes of what is not meant to be. On the other hand, everything about you makes me smile. It seems like you and me were meant to be but sometimes, it doesn't feel like it.

I'm a firm believer of hearing the truth from whoever it might be. And I'm usually not one to wait for things to happen. However, it seems that my normal straightforward way is leaving me. Truth be told, I'm afraid that the answer that I'm looking for may not be what's on your mind.

My heart aches every time I try to let go. Somehow I have to, don't I.

Imperfections of My Heart

2007-10-27T00:32:00.000+08:00

Cut me up
Take my heart
Frame it up

Imperfections of my heart

Greatness

2007-10-26T00:23:00.000+08:00

It's been a great week for me. Met 2 of my juniors on Wed @ CP before going off to SNT. Met Fart on Thurs whilst on the way hm from SVC. And of course the one before all these happen. Splendid. Wonder who I'll meet later today.

Resident Evil Extincton

2007-10-24T13:55:00.000+08:00

Resident Evil was good. The first 2 movies were better though. Still there were some startling parts which got me. I think there is gonna be a Resident Evil 4. The ending doesn't actually end and there is no proper extinction of the virus.

I just got to know that marriage of convenience is illegal in Singapore. Darn. And Haha, Sri and me were thinking that that would be a great idea. Looks like we have to forgo the thought.

I can't wait to spend time with Neen and Moon (provided u are going moon) this coming Monday. Ahem... it's my b'day nx mon. ;p

Ouh... btw, here's my b'dae list:
- Rubik's Cube
- Penguin Soft Toy
- Hold the Dream by Barbara Taylor Bradford

See, I don't ask for much. On another note, I am starting work at SNT again today for the dinner shift. Need the extra cash. There are too many things that I need the money for. Payment of family car, save up for driving lessons, 3 bills under my care, and of course food and transportation. Shopping will have to go slow I guess.

Will end it here for nw.

PS: Thx for the company. Had fun. Appreciate it. =D

Circle

2007-10-11T22:28:00.000+08:00

None. Whatsoever. I'm getting paranoid. The circle looks tempting and is inviting me to step in but I'd rather wait for the other to step in. What if none of us step in? The circle will just be empty without life.

I'm in this predicament at the moment. I want to let myself believe that it is possible but I'm afraid of failing. I want to let myself hope but I'm afraid of falling. No one should get hurt. At least I hope so.

I know that this entry is pointless to some. Still, it is meaningful to others. Only certain people can decipher it. Will you be one of them?

Ramblings

2007-10-10T22:00:00.000+08:00

Work have been total slack-ness thus far. We hardly do any work. We just tend to sit, gather, surf the net and walk ard Orchard. Bliss. None of us want to take any medical leaves. The best part is, we plan our own schedule. Kavan's in charge of scheduling. All of us have mini projects to do - for sch. Alverina, Haha, Sri and me have been reorganising the storeroom filled with brochures which are everywhere. At least today we managed to clean up the middle section of brochures.

That apart. I ruptured a blood vessel on my right index finger. Due to the snapping of fingers taught by Kavan. It hurts but I'm having fun pressing it. Sadistic values.

On another note, I've been happy these past few days but I know I shouldn't hope. There's nothing I can do about it though. Being me, I would love to tell but maybe not at this moment. It takes time but it seems like time is just passing too slowly for my liking.

In any case, I'm hoping that it will end on a good note for everyone. There goes the hope again. Pika is so screwed if she needs another bottle of champagne.

You Are The Music In Me

2007-10-06T21:54:00.000+08:00

I was stuck with the song Lemas by Ruffedge. Now, I'm just stuck with the song, You Are The Music In Me from HSM2.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Na na na na
Na na na na yeah
You are the music in me
You know the words
Once upon a time
Make you listen
There's a reason

When you dream there's a chance you'll find
A little laughter
or happy ever after

Your harmony to the melody
It's echoing inside my head

A single voice
Above the noise

And like a common thread

Hmm, you're pulling me

When I hear my favorite song
I know that we belong

Oh, you are the music in me
Yeah it's living in all of us
And it's brought us here because
Because you are the music in me

Na na na na (Ohh)
Na na na na na
Yeah yeah yeah
Na na na na
You are the music in me

It's like I knew you before we met
Can't explain it
There's no name for it

I'm saying words I never said

And it was easy
Because you see the real me

As I am
You understand
And that's more than I've ever known

To hear your voice
Above the noise

And know I'm not alone

Oh you're singing to me

When I hear my favorite song
I know that we belong
You are the music in me

It's living in all of us
And it's brought us here because
You are the music in me
Together we're gonna sing

We got the power to sing what we feel

Connected and real

Can't keep it all inside

Na na na na
Na na na na na
Yeah yeah yeah

You are the music in me

Na na na na
Na na na na na
Na na na na

You are the music in me
When I hear my favorite song
I know that we belong
You are the music in me

Yeah it's living in all of us
It's brought us here because
You are the music in me
Na na na na
Na na na na
Na na na na

You are the music in me
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Ouh, and its freaky how my two best gfs managed to figure out whats going on with my emotions just by reading the earlier post. U girls are beyond weird. But thx for giving a listening ear.

I feel better but I think I'm delving deeper into this mess. My barricades are up and its tough for me to balance my heart and mind.

ColourQuiz

2007-10-05T22:15:00.001+08:00

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

"Shelves her ambitions and forgoes her desire for p..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Is it real?

2007-10-05T00:03:00.000+08:00

I wonder if what I am feeling right now is just another surge of emotions that is not to be delved into. Or is it something that I should be thinking about. I came across your profile today. Somehow, it triggered something in me. It reminded me of what a friend told me earlier this year. It's been so long. It is still there? Or has it gone?

Now I just ache to know. If it's still there, take a step forward. Knowing it for real is always better than playing a guessing game. I'm not ready for another wait. Like the one that happened before. The past just crumbles me.

And to think I hardly know you. Xcept for the few times that we bumped into each other, just saying hi(s) and byes as we go along our separate ways. The separate lives that we live. We are only connected by our friends. Will we ever get to know each other better?

To my two best friends (u know who you are), I will tell u more about this when I'm ready. I need to be sure. So give me time.

And to you. I am afraid. The past may be buried but it can always resurface. And I am afraid that I may only be dreaming and I will crumble again when the time comes.

More SIP Outings

2007-09-18T21:38:00.000+08:00

Hoho..

I have more pictures that was taken during our trip to Little India *14th Sept*, Arab Street *17th Sept* and Chinatown *18th Sept*. We saw and learnt a lot of stuff. Quite interesting I must say. The last time when we went to all this outings in Pri and Sec Schs, I wasn't paying attention. Now, its fun to learn a small part of history again.

Ok, I was lazy to take photos of the Little India trip but here are some photos from my other outings.

Arab Street

A typical shophse. Narrow and Long.

Traditional way of making batter - using rattan.

A drop down ladder which used to be a popular site ages ago.

A peephole for dropping keys.

Chinatown

Views of Chinatown.

Interesting medicinal animals for sale.

These are for those who need some extra help for some extra Oomph!!!

Fu Man Ren Jian

2007-09-17T22:07:00.000+08:00

This was one of my fav chinese shows of the 90s. Used to know the lyrics and performed this song in 1999 for my sch's NDP show. Now I'm just struggling. Still rmb a bit of thw words though. If anyone could give me the hanyu pinyin lyrics to the song - it'll be awesome.

Fu Man Ren Jian

Britney's VMA Performance

2007-09-17T20:28:00.000+08:00

Ok, I managed to watch Britney's VMA performance this morning before I went off to work. Reading newspaper articles which says the performance was a flop and that it will bring down her coming back in the near future prompted me to catch it on utube.

Here are my views. Quoting Brit, "I look like a fat pig." I agree with that statement if you were to compare here with what she was then - when her bod was oh so solid. However, she just had 2 children and I think she looks better than most post-pregnant mothers out there.

I have to agree that her performance was a flop. She can do so much better. Imagine the girl whom every girl idolise and wants to be when they grow up. That was the Brit that I used to like. And I loved her when she was with JT. She was the epitome of all girls of my age and time when we were growing up.

But her personal characteristics is just going down and not coming back up. Ever since the break up with JT, she delved into a total realm of bad vibes. The 55hr marriage. The K-Fed saga. I have to say she does have 2 adorable children.

Still, I love her current song *Gimme More* which is top of the charts. But I do believe that she will have to change her ways and improve in certain areas for her to regain the pop princess title once more. She was and still is capable of it.

I'd love for her to get back with JT but the prospects of it is very bleak. Its like the 2 of them will never get back together again. Somehow, I feel that only JT can bring her back on the right path. They were together for a very long time. Still, we will never know until it actually happens.