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Sunday, October 31, 2010

29th October 2010

It was a simple but a very meaningful celebration of turning 22. All that I wanted was to be with you, and I got to have that. Those material things are second at best but you have always been the one that I want.

You were the first to wish me a Happy Birthday and that means a lot to me. You were there to give me a birthday hug and a birthday kiss. I was missing you so much prior to that day. Life has been hectic to both of us but knowing that you took a day off from your hectic schedule to spend my birthday with me really means a lot. I appreciate that.

You brought me out doing all the things I want and that we have not done in the longest time ever. From drinking together to surfing at wavehouse to the movies and even an impromptu chocolate delight. We managed to take time to finally talk and catch up with each other's life.

So much is happening at the same time. I will be there for you whenever you need me to be and even when you don't need me there. Because I know you would do the same for me and you have been there.

Thank you sayang, for a wonderful 22nd. I want to celebrate my 23rd, 24th, 25th and the rest of my years to come with you. I love you JWH.


9:26 PM

Sunday, October 24, 2010

I feel the need to cry because I miss you much. I feel the need to cry because I feel insecure about myself. I feel the need to cry because there are questions left unanswered.

Our lives have been hectic ever since the change of jobs and ever since I started this course of study. But it had never been this bad. I feel guilty for not making more time for you. It made me think if it was really a good idea to take up this course in the first place.

I used to have all the time in the world for you. When I was working shifts, we could meet up almost every day. Now, when I am on fixed office hours and when I thought that it will be better for us in the future, I don't get to meet you as often. Sometimes for a few weeks.

I miss the times when our lives just revolves around the two of us. Where our conversation only had us in it. Where nothing else mattered. I know for a fact that we can have all that back. As long as I put in more effort to meet you and be with you for long periods of time.

But I need you to allow me to do that. To allow me to stay up late and wait for you to end work so that we could meet up and catch up. We used to watch late night movies and have supper - let's do that again shall we?

I really don't mind waiting for you. Or having not enough sleep for all I care about is you. And to spend time with you, to know what is happening in your life and if I could do anything to make work and life more bearable as work can kill us sometimes.

Dear sayang, I know you probably won't get to read this until a long time later as you seldom visit this page of mine. But I want you to know, that I appreciate the little things that you do for me - by giving me a call, ensuring I have had proper meals, covering me whenever we walk in the rain. I treasure these moments as much as I treasure having you as a part of my life. I love you sayang and I'm missing you very much right now.


8:51 PM

Friday, October 15, 2010

I feel so lost and alone right now. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I have been able to get in terms with the whole thing the past few days. But today, I woke up and all I wanted to do was cry. I'm trying not to - at least not at work.

I have been shivering. I had a bad headache the whole day yesterday. I almost got hit by a car coz my head was lost elsewhere as I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking. I have trouble breathing and even my body's been rejecting whatever food that I eat.

I'm a mess but I am trying hard to not look like one. My confidence is declining and I used to be so much stronger previously. Still, I love and I believe. No matter what and against all odds, I have always believed. I just need you to see that.

These pain I'm keeping to myself because I don't want to trouble you with all my nonsensical issues. You have issues of your own which I have to help get you through. But you're not even sharing with me. I'm here for you. I may not be able to help as much but I would like for you to choose me as a shoulder to cry on. To share the burdens on your mind. Why wouldn't you let me? Because you don't want to trouble me? It has never been a trouble or a hassle for me.

I just need you to believe that when we're together, we can fight against all odds as long as we put our hearts and mind into it. When we're together, I know that I can rely on you to catch me when I fall as I would catch you when you fall and nurse you back to health when you've hurt yourself.

Whatever that I see, I hope you see it too.


8:45 AM

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The last post was in May. It is now October and the same shit keeps happening again. I have gone through this too many times before and I have fought till I scarred and I don't think I'll be the same. But I always hang on and I keep loving you after the many "breakups" and "get togethers" that we have had.

Something is definitely not right somewhere. But where did I go wrong? Where did I hurt you? Or if I have ever done anything that has hurt you before throughout these two years spent together. I have to admit I am not perfect. Neither are you. But together we could make it work.

However, it seems like I am clapping with just one hand of mine and yours is missing. Little wonder it is not working as you put it.

I have a test to study for today. That test is tonight itself. Yet you dropped me a bombshell and you said you don't think you can continue with us anymore. And then you want me back. I am confused. More confused than I ever was before. As hard as I try to focus on the studying, it's breaking me apart and tearing me up inside.

Problems are meant to be shared not kept to yourself till it builds up and you let it out by tearing the relationship apart.

So many promises and beliefs that was broken yet I still believe. Stupidity on my part - maybe not. I feel it in me and call it an intuition if you want.

Where does my limit end? I myself am not able to answer that question because I am still here waiting to catch you when you fall. Maybe if the confirmation comes and you really say its over - den probably I will have to start my healing process. How long it's gonna take - beats me. Yes you have always said that I will find someone else - that's a maybe too. But one thing I know for sure, I will never love any other the same again. Well I know myself better don't I. So that poor guy in the future will always have to be the 2nd best.

Wait this sounds familiar. Like how I was always your 2nd best.

Contrary to what you believe in, there will be more pain and suffering for me to go through if we end compared to when we do stay together. Although you love to use the same sentences to force me out of the relationship. Unfortunately, when you believe that I can find someone else better to suit me, I believe otherwise as I have already found that special someone that suits me in every way and meaning of my life. That person is you.

But I can't force you. You have this personality of rebelling when you are forced and it will only push you further away from me. One thing you have always said, "to love a person is to let that person go freely". But I don't believe in that. I believe in fighting for the person you love, being there for them whenever they need you. Like when they are going through a transition phase in life like job changing, troubles with the family and other such matters. Bottomline, you should never give up in the love you believe in.

You said you still love me yet you still want to go separate ways, you're giving up on me, on us. Making me feel worthless all together. Like I told you, you have a string of girls lined up waiting to bring you into their open arms to comfort you. You may not go to some of them but you have these girls to fall back on. Well let's just forget about this girl I spent two years with shall we.

I know if we do carry on with us there will be too many problems that we have to face. From the different religions we have to the disagreeing parents. But I need you to believe in yourself. Believe in me. And believe that together we can make anything happen and we can make it work.


11:13 AM

Friday, May 28, 2010

I seriously feel like I am ruining everything for myself. Am I really that weak? So insecure?

Love is the best thing that could happen in the world.But why is it that I love and yet I hurt myself at the same time. Is it wrong for me to cry? To let the pain flow in the only way I know how.

Looking into your eyes, I know you're telling me the truth. That you love me. And you'll never leave me again. You also said that if there is anyone whom you'll marry, that would be me. I really want to make that real. As real as it could be.


12:20 PM

Thursday, May 06, 2010

So much has happened from the time I wrote the last entry, to this current one. Holidays were made. Of which when we came back to Singapore and went our separate homes again, it was painful. I cried in April. And I cried again yesterday.

The tears in April was me finally letting go. Of those past events that hurt me to my core. I cried till there was nothing left in me. I trusted him back fully. I told myself I should be bringing myself up, getting that bubbly personality of mine back, that self-confidence that I've always had back in me.

But all that time I spent in April just got wiped out again in May. On talking terms ey. That's so much for breaking off all contacts. There was not even a reason to do that in the first place if at any time she calls or text or broke up with any other TOM, DICK OR HARRY, you became a friend yet again.

Yes you love me. I know that oh so well. You asked why I feel so insecure. My only answer is nobody knew what I really went through during that period. No clue whatsoever.

I acted like everything is fine after the whole issue passed.

Maybe it is just me. When I strike someone out from my list, I do just that. I don't go back on it. Yes I let the hatred consume me. And it could only be my downfall at the end.

See, I know that. But I won't fall. Cause I will thread my way carefully. I was calm previously. But I won't be the next time.

But at the same time, when I love, I love fully. No I am not a perfect person but I try to be the best for you.

You don't seem to notice I no longer where that necklace I've always worn. That half of a whole that meant something to me. Or the fact that I haven't changed back your name in my handphone. Neither do I talk so much about marriage or a lifelong commitment much these days.

For the sole reason that I am scarred and scared to go through the whole process of hoping and getting the hopes crushed again. But I still do hope. Silently. Because if I mention it that it just might jinx it.

At times I feel that I need to go see a psychologist, to help me in dealing with all these pain. Or maybe get some medications to calm me down when I hype myself up for all the wrong reasons. Or maybe see what they can say about my state of mind. Am I going crazy? Or am I already am?

At the end of the day, all that I want is you. My existence is nothing without your presence. I really do love you. Only you. I've always loved myself more in the past, but I'm no longer the number one person in my life. YOU are.


12:25 AM

Saturday, February 06, 2010

There seems to be a big gap in this post and the previous ones. It doesn't mean that I am fine. It doesn't mean that everything is settled. There are so many things that are still going on in my head, sending me into turmoil each and every time.

Yes, we are back, but why do I feel a certain void. I don't seem to believe in myself any longer. But I have no qualms in believing in you.

I lost myself in this whole process and I can't seem to find that me back. I go through the motions of life, of being yours, of loving you, but why do I still feel empty inside.

The fact that you are back should have cheered me up. Give me joy. But why do I still crumble at the end of each day. Why do I still curl up and cry.

Eveytime I'm with you, it goes away. The moment that we're apart, I lose my balance again. There is so much that I wish to say but I choose not to because I will stay strong in your presence.

It still hurts and it feels like a long way to go before I can mend myself. But I would say this, I would rather feel the hurt and all the pain, than to let you crumble and lose yourself.

It's nice to have you back.

I love you. I always have.


2:33 AM