It’s easy to make a decision to do something but it’s hard when the time comes for you to execute it. I have made many decisions in my life and some have yet to be executed. For now, I am getting a taste of what it feels like to turn around and walk out on your family.

For those who may not know the whole story don’t judge. It has never been easy to start with. Well, life with the family is getting from bad to worse. Step dad continued with his lies and dupes and mom falls prey. We have heard that story too many times before. I shan’t go into details for the simple reason that it is not worth it.

Call me selfish. Maybe I am. But the problems that you are having now was never a part of my decision making process. You say you’re stressed out and that was why you took unpaid leave for slightly more than a month. I did not have a say in that. And hey, everyone gets stressed out. I do too but I still work don’t I?

You say if you don’t believe in your own husband who will? I can’t contest that. He is your husband after all. But for you to fall prey to his words time and time again, doesn’t that say something. It has been like this ever since you tied the knot in 2004. You lean on me and I let you because I still love you.

But it has come to a point where I really am unable to take any more of it. You gave me a look of despair when I turned my back on you and walked out, when you needed my help to pay off part of your debts. Like I said, I was never part of your decision making process to go for unpaid leave and blindly believe the words of a born liar.

Yet I felt the pain in me as I walk away. I want to help but I can’t. It is time for you to wake and cover up your own mistakes. I did my best to help out, it may not be sufficient to you but I did help out, all the way from back then when I was still in school.
I myself am lost as to what to do with my life. I know for a fact that at the end of the day I will have to turn my back on the family to be with the person I love the most. Now I know how that feels like. It ultimately sucks. But I will do it.

I am looking at ways for me to be able to make it out on my own and get my degree at the same time. Though I doubt that will happen. Saving up for the degree will be a hole in my pocket. I was supposed to save up this year but that did not happen with me going on holidays ever so often. Which is why I am determined to make it happen in 2010.

At the same time, I want to move out too. Find my own space and a placing in this unpredictable world. Maybe I am taking the easy way out. Running away rather than tackle the problem head on. But I cannot take this any longer. It is easy for others to tell me just go in one ear and out the other. But going through that on a daily basis is worst than being in hell.

Well I can’t have all the things I want in one plate. At times I have to bear with the unfairness of life. Guess this is one of those times.

I am pretty much alone in this battle. I no longer talk to anyone at home. I don’t even acknowledge the presence of my younger sister. And I do not wish to bother the BF with my insignificant life any longer. I complain to him. I whine to him. I stalk him with all my messages and phone calls and I think he’s tired of that.
Life is not always about me. I have to understand that. He has been there for me too many times and I have never been able to top that. It’s time to grow up and fight this battle alone. It will get tougher but I have to believe that I can make it.

For now, I just feel very much alone.

2:15 AM

I am sick and tired of all the drama in my life. Is it possible to sometimes hate your family too much. To a point where you are waiting for something big to happen, where you can walk out and leave.

If only I had a benefactor or a company nice enough to pay for my studies. Then the money I'm supposed to use can be used for other things, like loaning a house for example.

Time and time again, I'm paying for the mistakes that I did not do. For the poor budgeting that was not mine in the first place.

No matter how much I will start to give starting next year, it will never be sufficient. For one simple reason, they do not know how to allocate. Certain amounts for certain things. And certain things they cannot afford, they still want.

So there goes the problem, but if I say it out loud, it falls on deaf years.

Can I get a knife and stab it through my own heart, coz it's a classic case of "If I can't kill them, I'd rather do it to myself."

I've been sleeping and waking up and sleeping and waking up and the cycle continues. I cannot even get a proper rest. Plus with all the other reasons to make my life miserable, it just adds more pain.

But I can't show it can I? Coz when I do show it, I am told to smile and be happy. Might as well be happy in the first place, eventhough it is those kind of fake happy.

The only thing that makes my life worth it right now and the only thing that matters, is being with the one I love the most. Maybe that's why I'm missing the BF tons.

5:35 AM

Yesterday, I had a blast. Meeting up with the BF did me good. Lifted some of the down-ness that I've been feeling the past few days. Spending time with him always does wonders to me.

So we went to catch the movie 2012 and it was awesome. And I believe that it is possible. We are putting too much pressure on the Earth right now that one day it's just gonna turn back on us and think for itself first by clearing everything out and starting anew.

Head down to Sentosa Wavehouse after that for some surfing fun. Ok they made me wait for 3 hours before I can start cause of some lightning warning and school bookings that they had. Oh wells.

Surfing is my new love at the moment. And my body is now sore and filled with bruises. I thought maybe after a full day out event and my body is tired, I'll finally be able to catch some deep sleep - to no avail.

Got home, lay on the bed and I ended up staring at the walls again. I am seriously having an issue with this. Now am at work and my eyes are droopy.

Nonetheless, I am feeling much better. Hopefully tonight I'll get some rest. The next 7 days is AM shift for me and I definitely need to get into a deep sleep for me to sustain all the way till the 20th November.

9:30 AM

2 days of lacking sleep and it does nothing to me. Yes I get agitated at times. I get frustrated. But life goes on. Work continues. WTF! I'm so fucked up!

Try as I might, I get to doze off. But a few hours later I wake up staring blankly at the ceiling and the walls stares back at me. Tossing and turning doesn't help to put me back to sleep. Not even hugging bear-bear. Nothing does anything to me anymore.

Alcohol doesn't seem to help. Cough medicine did its wonders on the spot but wears off in a few hours and I am back to staring at my beloved walls. Sometimes I just feel like pulling my hair out and ripping my heart out.

Lack of rest is giving me respiratory problems. Darn asthma. Not helping either.

Might as well just crash and burn the system. That'll do good at least. At least I hope it will. Maybe the 8 consequent morning shifts will get me sleeping. If it doesn't, well all I can say is that it'll make me look like a zombie. Won't it.

I would love to associate this insomnia with the Craig David song. But the things I'm going through have nothing to do with the lyrics of that song.

Going home to share a bed with my maid cause the gramps are in town. N they're taking younger bro's room and younger bro's sleeping outside. So maid has to come in - in which I totally do not see the point.

I don't do well with sharing. My privacy is lost. I can't lol if I wanted too. Can't sing my hearts out if I wanted too. Can't watch tv till late if I wanted too. Can't cry if I wanted too. Basically I lose all sense of my life.

And judging at the rate I am going. Well yes I can see where this is heading.

Fucking pissed off at myself for all the troubles in the world. Big responsibility to carry all that trouble. Know what - fuck it. Don't even fucking ask cause I don't have the fucking answer.

I should this more often. Fuck everything upside down. Loving it. Hating me - all of me.

11:01 PM

Yesterday was a drinking session somewhere near Dhoby Ghaut. When in fact I am statring work at 0900 hours today. Y did I still go? Simple answer, I missed the BF and I wanted to spend time with him.

But being me, I always have a tendency to make a sweet reunion turn fugly. Due to me not being able to control my temper. It got better at the end, but I didn't end up being a better person.

Sometimes, I feel like keeping it all to yourself is the best method possible, so everyone else is happy. But will I suffer in the end? I couldn't even care less about me. Coz life is not always about me - no matter how much I want it to be. I realised that I am one cold, controlling, emotionally unstable bitch.

That's how I really feel about myself. Why even bother loving myself? Let's just love others - the hand that gives is better than the hand that receives isn't it.

Well the Vodka got to my head. Took a cab home but ended up paying way more than I should. Taxi uncle took the liberty of my drunk unstable, walls crushing state and took the long way home. I don't even want to go there.

Got home, pretty pissed off drunk and head to bed but ended up waking 2 hours later and couldn't sleep till the point where I have to wake up and head to work. Which is now literally. Why that happens doesn't seem to baffle me so much. I can guess. I can goddamned guess.

Let's try taking flu/cough/panadol tonight and see if that will help me sleep. But seriously, I doubt so. Oh don't worry guys, I don't have a drug problem. I just have a cold/cough and a headache. That helps explain all the medication.

Life is just like HL isn't it? Full of highs and lows.

Wanna guess which state I'm in? Don't even try. Coz trust me. I am one happy bitch for all other reasons - I'm just not sure where the reasons went to at the moment.

Ciao people.

7:40 AM

It's been a week since I finally turn a legal adult. Age 21. I had a very nice time spent with the BF at Rasa Sentosa Resort. Checked in on the 28th for a 2 nights stay.

The room style that I wanted. Rose petals in a heart shape on the bed. Cake in the centre. Rose petals in the bathtub. It was a nice end to my teens and an elegant entrance into adulthood.

Being the emotionally intensified me that I am, well my eyes got watery when I walk through the door and find all those things above. It was a very sweet gesture from the person I love the most. Everything that he put together. The thoughts that went into the process of creating that most memorable and special 21st birthday.

Everything that I wanted and crave for, I get. From the surfing at Wavehouse to the movie at Vivo to the satisfaction of cravings of muah chee to sushi to chocolate strawberry fondue. And not forgetting the beloved Vodka.

No amount of words can even explain or let you know how I felt on that day till now when I am writing this. The emotions still do pour in when I reminisce that beautiful day.

It shows me the level of love, care and concern you have for me. It shows me that the future we plan will come. And it will be lovely. Yes yo do love me and I you. Nothing can compare to everything that you've done for me, not only during my 21st but all the other times when I needed someone, you never fail to appear. All the other times that were not so kind to both of us, we prevail and we will always do. Coz I will forever believe in the two of us.

Thank you sayang. Thank you for choosing me and appearing before me to be mine.

I love you.

10:00 PM

I've been typing and deleting. Typing and deleting. Let's just put it that I don't know how to put it into words.

4:48 AM