It’s easy to make a decision to do something but it’s hard when the time comes for you to execute it. I have made many decisions in my life and some have yet to be executed. For now, I am getting a taste of what it feels like to turn around and walk out on your family.
For those who may not know the whole story don’t judge. It has never been easy to start with. Well, life with the family is getting from bad to worse. Step dad continued with his lies and dupes and mom falls prey. We have heard that story too many times before. I shan’t go into details for the simple reason that it is not worth it.
Call me selfish. Maybe I am. But the problems that you are having now was never a part of my decision making process. You say you’re stressed out and that was why you took unpaid leave for slightly more than a month. I did not have a say in that. And hey, everyone gets stressed out. I do too but I still work don’t I?
You say if you don’t believe in your own husband who will? I can’t contest that. He is your husband after all. But for you to fall prey to his words time and time again, doesn’t that say something. It has been like this ever since you tied the knot in 2004. You lean on me and I let you because I still love you.
But it has come to a point where I really am unable to take any more of it. You gave me a look of despair when I turned my back on you and walked out, when you needed my help to pay off part of your debts. Like I said, I was never part of your decision making process to go for unpaid leave and blindly believe the words of a born liar.
Yet I felt the pain in me as I walk away. I want to help but I can’t. It is time for you to wake and cover up your own mistakes. I did my best to help out, it may not be sufficient to you but I did help out, all the way from back then when I was still in school.
I myself am lost as to what to do with my life. I know for a fact that at the end of the day I will have to turn my back on the family to be with the person I love the most. Now I know how that feels like. It ultimately sucks. But I will do it.
I am looking at ways for me to be able to make it out on my own and get my degree at the same time. Though I doubt that will happen. Saving up for the degree will be a hole in my pocket. I was supposed to save up this year but that did not happen with me going on holidays ever so often. Which is why I am determined to make it happen in 2010.
At the same time, I want to move out too. Find my own space and a placing in this unpredictable world. Maybe I am taking the easy way out. Running away rather than tackle the problem head on. But I cannot take this any longer. It is easy for others to tell me just go in one ear and out the other. But going through that on a daily basis is worst than being in hell.
Well I can’t have all the things I want in one plate. At times I have to bear with the unfairness of life. Guess this is one of those times.
I am pretty much alone in this battle. I no longer talk to anyone at home. I don’t even acknowledge the presence of my younger sister. And I do not wish to bother the BF with my insignificant life any longer. I complain to him. I whine to him. I stalk him with all my messages and phone calls and I think he’s tired of that.
Life is not always about me. I have to understand that. He has been there for me too many times and I have never been able to top that. It’s time to grow up and fight this battle alone. It will get tougher but I have to believe that I can make it.
For now, I just feel very much alone.
I am sick and tired of all the drama in my life. Is it possible to sometimes hate your family too much. To a point where you are waiting for something big to happen, where you can walk out and leave.
If only I had a benefactor or a company nice enough to pay for my studies. Then the money I'm supposed to use can be used for other things, like loaning a house for example.
Time and time again, I'm paying for the mistakes that I did not do. For the poor budgeting that was not mine in the first place.
No matter how much I will start to give starting next year, it will never be sufficient. For one simple reason, they do not know how to allocate. Certain amounts for certain things. And certain things they cannot afford, they still want.
So there goes the problem, but if I say it out loud, it falls on deaf years.
Can I get a knife and stab it through my own heart, coz it's a classic case of "If I can't kill them, I'd rather do it to myself."
I've been sleeping and waking up and sleeping and waking up and the cycle continues. I cannot even get a proper rest. Plus with all the other reasons to make my life miserable, it just adds more pain.
But I can't show it can I? Coz when I do show it, I am told to smile and be happy. Might as well be happy in the first place, eventhough it is those kind of fake happy.
The only thing that makes my life worth it right now and the only thing that matters, is being with the one I love the most. Maybe that's why I'm missing the BF tons.
