For 16 years of my life, I've had to live with a younger brother who from young was very mischievous. Who came into this world less than perfect with pus coming out of his eyes. And I was there, at the age of 5, wiping away those pus from his eyes. I saw him grow into what he is today. I had to shield him from the destruction of divorce that my parents went through.
But today, my heart really hurts. There was a volcano eruption that happened in the family today. Well, every family has their own set of problems and their own form of shortfall. And I acknowledged the fact that I may not be the best elder sister in the world. That sometimes the way I show care and concern is in a way that he cannot fathom.
But to have yourself push to the ground, that just breaks my heart. To see him holding a stick, ready to bash my mum, that hurts. I can't stay out of the way. I had to get involved. Especially when you gave your word to care for him.
Today, it brought back all the past memories in my life. The things that I went through alone. That I did not share with anyone and I crumbled. For a split second I had the thought of just jumping out and ending it all. But I can't, they still need me.
Mum was heartbroken. She loved him more that she loved me. That, I learnt a long way back. She did not know where she went wrong in raising her kids and it devastated me to see her in that state. For the simple reason that I know I am going to hurt her multifolds in the future. For the simple reason that I know I have to leave everything behind and continue with my life.
Yes I feel giddy now and my shoulder hurts. But he apologises. That is enough for me to understand that he is showing remorse. Of course, I know that he will still be the same. No matter how we may try to nurture.
I have lived with that for 16 years. Another day doesn't hurt. Or does it?
Mt mind is in a turmoil. I can't be able to think straight. And the past comes haunting back it hurts. Like there's something that's constricting the heart. I have always been envious of people whose life seems like they can frame it up on the wall.
There's a reason why I want so much in life. So that my generations do not suffer the same fate.
I have to let this out. Because I know if I keep it in. I will fall into depression again. The mask will return and the walls would spring up. I can't let that happen. I've come to far to succumb to that now.
Now I need my rest. My head is just spinning and I can't breathe.
Back at work after a few days of rest which helped a lot in clearing some of the cough. Although I'm still coughing now, it is not as bad 2 weeks ago. It's also thanks to the BF who took great care of me during the period of rest.
Looking at my blog now it's like there is nothing more or anything else happening in my life. Oh wells, I ought to go now. Nothing much to say anyways. Much rather go play fb.
