29th October 2010

It was a simple but a very meaningful celebration of turning 22. All that I wanted was to be with you, and I got to have that. Those material things are second at best but you have always been the one that I want.

You were the first to wish me a Happy Birthday and that means a lot to me. You were there to give me a birthday hug and a birthday kiss. I was missing you so much prior to that day. Life has been hectic to both of us but knowing that you took a day off from your hectic schedule to spend my birthday with me really means a lot. I appreciate that.

You brought me out doing all the things I want and that we have not done in the longest time ever. From drinking together to surfing at wavehouse to the movies and even an impromptu chocolate delight. We managed to take time to finally talk and catch up with each other's life.

So much is happening at the same time. I will be there for you whenever you need me to be and even when you don't need me there. Because I know you would do the same for me and you have been there.

Thank you sayang, for a wonderful 22nd. I want to celebrate my 23rd, 24th, 25th and the rest of my years to come with you. I love you JWH.

9:26 PM

I feel the need to cry because I miss you much. I feel the need to cry because I feel insecure about myself. I feel the need to cry because there are questions left unanswered.

Our lives have been hectic ever since the change of jobs and ever since I started this course of study. But it had never been this bad. I feel guilty for not making more time for you. It made me think if it was really a good idea to take up this course in the first place.

I used to have all the time in the world for you. When I was working shifts, we could meet up almost every day. Now, when I am on fixed office hours and when I thought that it will be better for us in the future, I don't get to meet you as often. Sometimes for a few weeks.

I miss the times when our lives just revolves around the two of us. Where our conversation only had us in it. Where nothing else mattered. I know for a fact that we can have all that back. As long as I put in more effort to meet you and be with you for long periods of time.

But I need you to allow me to do that. To allow me to stay up late and wait for you to end work so that we could meet up and catch up. We used to watch late night movies and have supper - let's do that again shall we?

I really don't mind waiting for you. Or having not enough sleep for all I care about is you. And to spend time with you, to know what is happening in your life and if I could do anything to make work and life more bearable as work can kill us sometimes.

Dear sayang, I know you probably won't get to read this until a long time later as you seldom visit this page of mine. But I want you to know, that I appreciate the little things that you do for me - by giving me a call, ensuring I have had proper meals, covering me whenever we walk in the rain. I treasure these moments as much as I treasure having you as a part of my life. I love you sayang and I'm missing you very much right now.

8:51 PM

I feel so lost and alone right now. I don't know what to think. I don't know what to feel. I have been able to get in terms with the whole thing the past few days. But today, I woke up and all I wanted to do was cry. I'm trying not to - at least not at work.

I have been shivering. I had a bad headache the whole day yesterday. I almost got hit by a car coz my head was lost elsewhere as I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking. I have trouble breathing and even my body's been rejecting whatever food that I eat.

I'm a mess but I am trying hard to not look like one. My confidence is declining and I used to be so much stronger previously. Still, I love and I believe. No matter what and against all odds, I have always believed. I just need you to see that.

These pain I'm keeping to myself because I don't want to trouble you with all my nonsensical issues. You have issues of your own which I have to help get you through. But you're not even sharing with me. I'm here for you. I may not be able to help as much but I would like for you to choose me as a shoulder to cry on. To share the burdens on your mind. Why wouldn't you let me? Because you don't want to trouble me? It has never been a trouble or a hassle for me.

I just need you to believe that when we're together, we can fight against all odds as long as we put our hearts and mind into it. When we're together, I know that I can rely on you to catch me when I fall as I would catch you when you fall and nurse you back to health when you've hurt yourself.

Whatever that I see, I hope you see it too.

8:45 AM

The last post was in May. It is now October and the same shit keeps happening again. I have gone through this too many times before and I have fought till I scarred and I don't think I'll be the same. But I always hang on and I keep loving you after the many "breakups" and "get togethers" that we have had.

Something is definitely not right somewhere. But where did I go wrong? Where did I hurt you? Or if I have ever done anything that has hurt you before throughout these two years spent together. I have to admit I am not perfect. Neither are you. But together we could make it work.

However, it seems like I am clapping with just one hand of mine and yours is missing. Little wonder it is not working as you put it.

I have a test to study for today. That test is tonight itself. Yet you dropped me a bombshell and you said you don't think you can continue with us anymore. And then you want me back. I am confused. More confused than I ever was before. As hard as I try to focus on the studying, it's breaking me apart and tearing me up inside.

Problems are meant to be shared not kept to yourself till it builds up and you let it out by tearing the relationship apart.

So many promises and beliefs that was broken yet I still believe. Stupidity on my part - maybe not. I feel it in me and call it an intuition if you want.

Where does my limit end? I myself am not able to answer that question because I am still here waiting to catch you when you fall. Maybe if the confirmation comes and you really say its over - den probably I will have to start my healing process. How long it's gonna take - beats me. Yes you have always said that I will find someone else - that's a maybe too. But one thing I know for sure, I will never love any other the same again. Well I know myself better don't I. So that poor guy in the future will always have to be the 2nd best.

Wait this sounds familiar. Like how I was always your 2nd best.

Contrary to what you believe in, there will be more pain and suffering for me to go through if we end compared to when we do stay together. Although you love to use the same sentences to force me out of the relationship. Unfortunately, when you believe that I can find someone else better to suit me, I believe otherwise as I have already found that special someone that suits me in every way and meaning of my life. That person is you.

But I can't force you. You have this personality of rebelling when you are forced and it will only push you further away from me. One thing you have always said, "to love a person is to let that person go freely". But I don't believe in that. I believe in fighting for the person you love, being there for them whenever they need you. Like when they are going through a transition phase in life like job changing, troubles with the family and other such matters. Bottomline, you should never give up in the love you believe in.

You said you still love me yet you still want to go separate ways, you're giving up on me, on us. Making me feel worthless all together. Like I told you, you have a string of girls lined up waiting to bring you into their open arms to comfort you. You may not go to some of them but you have these girls to fall back on. Well let's just forget about this girl I spent two years with shall we.

I know if we do carry on with us there will be too many problems that we have to face. From the different religions we have to the disagreeing parents. But I need you to believe in yourself. Believe in me. And believe that together we can make anything happen and we can make it work.

11:13 AM