18th January, Monday

I called you out and we hanged out. I din hear from you tje whole of the previous day and that killed me. It was nice to see you again. Just being with you lifted up some of the down mood I had.

19th January, Tuesday (2.06am)

You called me sounding so sad that it broke my heart, yet again. I came down to see you and you tell me things. Which hurts but I had to persevere because as much as it hurts me, I cannot bear to see you hurting like you did.

There are so many things that I want to say but I will hold it for now. Because, now my main priority is to heal you. Only then will I be able to heal myself. Because as much as I want to ram myself in a wall right now, it is only right for me to be there for you.

This is my time. To show you all that I have uttered in the past. I know there will be a point in time where it will take a toll on me. Saying it and doing it is 2 different things.

But I love you too much to let you lose yourself like that. Like I said, I will wait.

Although whatever I went through prior to that broke me apart, I will not let you break apart. Coz you are more wholesome than you think. And deep down I believe you are still there. The you that I have always adored. The you that will return. And one day, I will hear you say it again, that you love me.

8:04 AM

What do I really feel like right now? I am not able to answer my own questions. Everytime I try to keep myself away from you, I come running back. Will I be able to hold through with this for a long time to come?

We meet, I'm happy but after, I just hurt again. I have no idea how to help you out or comfort you at this point in time when you are feeling so muddled. I can't even help myself.

Confidence, I have it. I just don't want to let the hope fill me up. Coz I have hoped too many times in my life before, and time and time again, hope fails me. I'm already broken as it is. I just don't want to break further.

I really want to be happy. And at the end of the day, be happy with you. There was so much we already went through. To let it go just doesn't seem right.

I will keep fighting. And I will keep dying. But every time I die, I'll do my best to revive myself again and fight some more. Until a point in time when I am not able to do it any longer. But for now, I need myself badly. I need to pull through. The more pain I feel, the more I blocked it out. The more I lose myself to the demons that surrounds me.

*AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

10:30 AM

Being at work right now keeps me busy and kills me at the same time. When guests come to me and needs me to do something, never have I been happier to assist. Now, everything just subsides and most of them are not disturbing me any longer.

I need to do something. Coz now I feel like crying. It hurts. It will always hurt. But I can't afford to show my emotions at work. I act like everything is fine and dandy when it is not. I can't put up a strong front anymore. It's killing me too much.

Someone might as well take me out from this earth.

11:15 AM

I don't know what to feel at this stage. Most of the times I numb myself. Only when I let go, I'll curl up like a ball, on the floor and rock myself mad, with tears streaking down my cheeks.

You know how they say the eyes are the window to your soul. Well, I look at myself in the mirror and I see nothing. Blank. It seems that I have lost my soul. The one playing my character right now is just my alter ego. The one that knows how to deal with all this pain.

The real me? I myself have no idea where she went.

How did I get to this stage? For the simple reasons that everything I ever believed in was crushed.

The family is not beingkind either. The mom has been pestering again. And I am suffocating at home. But when I go out, my alter ego needs all the energy she can get to play me.

After all that I've done. I was left alone in the most difficult times of my life. The time when I needed you the most. Proven to you up till now to what extent I would go to. The family used to be your worry. That I would leave and come running back to them.

Well, I still am not talking to them even after all this happens. If that is not enough prove that I have nothing more to say. It has to be at this point in time that I have to suffer more. To handle all the issues at once.

I'm trying not to let the hate take control of me. Because I know when I let go of this minimal strength that I have and let hate fill me in, I will drown myself in all those sorrows. And turn to be a worst off person, in which that is not my agenda.

But there is so much I can take. Deprived of all the things and feelings I used to have. I feel despair. I won't take my life. But I wouldn't say no to somebody taking it for me either.

5:33 AM

My world came crashing down in the early morning of 13th January with them messages. Whatever my instincts told me came true when it was mentioned the next day. My mind is a turmoil and my heart is no longer whole. It broke that very same day. I have much setbacks in life and this is one of them. But this time round, I just felt cheated of everything. Yes it was truthful. Nevertheless, it still hurts.

I am trying to be strong but that is no mean feat. As much as I want to be my normal self again, my walls are up and I am cold. Almost to everyone around me. I try to push it down but everytime I do, the pain returns and I cry. I let it all out till the tears dry up. And then I'm calm again. But the calm weather never stays long with me. As much as I try my best to block everything out, it comes rushing back and I go through the motions all again.

The insomnia is coming back. I am tired. I need the rest and I know that. There is so much I can take physically. But the mental state of mind I am in is affecting me physically as well. There is only so much I can push my body to do. Being up right now at 4plus am in the morning and pouring my hearts out goes to show that I can no longer get to sleep.

Yes, I tire myself out the whole day with the hopes that I can get into a deep sleep and rest longer. But that doesn't seem to happen. Each time I close my eyes I see bad things. I don't know what those bad things are I just know they are bad. It is like demons are out gnawing at my feelings. The pain fuels them. And I get scared of closing my eyes because the more I close them, the more pain I feel. But when I don't close my eyes and can't get to sleep, that doesn't bode well for me either.

The thoughts starts running again and I see all that I saw in the future come crashing down on me. The picture perfect memory falls to pieces bit by bit like a painting getting burned down in a fire. And that hurts too. The hopes, the life I wanted to have gets blurred out and I feel helpless. Cause I can't put the fire out and I see it all turning into ashes.

As much as I try to be strong it is never easy. It was never easy to deal with in the first place. But it is not easy for anyone. I want to smile and be bubbly, like all the time that I used to be, but that me has since been gone. I want her back. I want everything and everyone back. My life won't be complete.

Another few more weeks. It will get harder day by day and I know that. Even as the weeks gets lesser and finally turns to days, the answer is not even definite. I want to be truthful here by saying I want it to be me. Forever me. And nothing else. Call it selfishness, I know it is but I think I deserve to be truthful. I was there for most parts of the later life and I want to be there still for the rest of the life.

Years down the road, it looks bleak. But I still see the togetherness. And I still believe in it. I just hope that the belief is not mine alone.

It is time to get back to work today and I don't know how I am going to fare. It feels like the first day of school where you don't know what will happen. All I know is that I have to put on a brave front and go through with work as how I usually go through with it. Which means my mask comes on and the smile of the "Joker" comes into place on the face.

I want it to turn out to be the best.

What a great start to 2010. As of today, only 15 days into the new year and my life is at its ends. My love will prevail and I will show that I am worth it. Please see that too.

3:59 AM

Something happened that shook me to the core today. I was asleep pretty early as I have been on morning shifts for the past 5 days. But I was awoken at 2am in the morning from a bad dream that got me feeling restless.

That restless feeling kept me awake throughout the rest of the morning up till 6 am when I finally messaged the BF to find out if he were already back home from work. To find out that he was at the hospital just threw me off balance.

I got up, got changed and charged down in a cab, Throughout the whole journey I was trying to keep myself calm but I was so alone and feeling terrified. I had no idea the extent of his injuries. All I got when I called his mobile was a Staff Nurse answering saying that he can't put the phone at his ear as he got burnt.

I shan't say I agree with his attitude. Messaging asking me not to come down. Maybe I understand that he does not want me to worry but I'll worry more when I am not physically there.

Up till now, I guess I'm still recovering from shock. As it taught me today that at anytime anything may happen. I was so scared of losing you. That was how worried I was.

And then there are other revelations that got me feeling down. As much as I try not to show it, it shows. We tried to talk but the medicine kicked in and I wanted you to rest. Whatever it is, I am glad you are fine.

And I will be too because you need me more now than I do. I have to get over the fact that that was the past and I am the present and future. I will do my best but I have to say that it is not going to be an easy road for me, being who I am and all. But I will make it less painful for you.

I'll smile and I will be happy as long as I have you in my life.

Rest well my love and get well soon.

9:00 PM

It is 3 days into the new year, and I only have time to give my closing speech for the year 2009.
2009 has been a very challenging year that I have to face. It is one drawback after another. So not a lot of people know this but I went for an Op in May for an abscess that I had. Went on hospitalization leave for a month and for that whole month I stayed away from work.
Then shit happens again, and I can’t say anything here but I will always remember because it would not be right if I don’t. But when I do, the heart still aches but I work hard not to succumb to the pain.
Yes this was the year that I turned 21 and made my step into the adult world. Everything revolves differently. Just look at me on New Year’s Eve, I was celebrating alone whilst asleep as I had 2 more morning shifts on the first 2 days of New Year.
As much as I would love to usher 2010 or any other new years here onwards with the people I love, that would always be difficult as long as I am in the service industry. Shift work definitely takes a toll after a long time. But I have many more years ahead of me and many more mountains to conquer.
Looking at the past year from another angle, yes I had a challenging year and yes I lost things I hold dear but the world suffered so much more. The devastating earthquakes and the terrible monsoons that hit others showed me that my life is not as bad as it is. Although I still do moan about it, but I do my best to tell myself that all will go well.
Starting 2010 the years will pass quickly for me. That always happens when you reach your twenties. Looking back at the past decades, I went from being in secondary to tertiary and now am working full time. That is a lot to accomplish in 10 years.
For now, I am ushering in 2010 with hopes that all goes well and it’ll be a better year for all of us.
Happy New Year everyone!!!

8:59 PM