For 16 years of my life, I've had to live with a younger brother who from young was very mischievous. Who came into this world less than perfect with pus coming out of his eyes. And I was there, at the age of 5, wiping away those pus from his eyes. I saw him grow into what he is today. I had to shield him from the destruction of divorce that my parents went through.
But today, my heart really hurts. There was a volcano eruption that happened in the family today. Well, every family has their own set of problems and their own form of shortfall. And I acknowledged the fact that I may not be the best elder sister in the world. That sometimes the way I show care and concern is in a way that he cannot fathom.
But to have yourself push to the ground, that just breaks my heart. To see him holding a stick, ready to bash my mum, that hurts. I can't stay out of the way. I had to get involved. Especially when you gave your word to care for him.
Today, it brought back all the past memories in my life. The things that I went through alone. That I did not share with anyone and I crumbled. For a split second I had the thought of just jumping out and ending it all. But I can't, they still need me.
Mum was heartbroken. She loved him more that she loved me. That, I learnt a long way back. She did not know where she went wrong in raising her kids and it devastated me to see her in that state. For the simple reason that I know I am going to hurt her multifolds in the future. For the simple reason that I know I have to leave everything behind and continue with my life.
Yes I feel giddy now and my shoulder hurts. But he apologises. That is enough for me to understand that he is showing remorse. Of course, I know that he will still be the same. No matter how we may try to nurture.
I have lived with that for 16 years. Another day doesn't hurt. Or does it?
Mt mind is in a turmoil. I can't be able to think straight. And the past comes haunting back it hurts. Like there's something that's constricting the heart. I have always been envious of people whose life seems like they can frame it up on the wall.
There's a reason why I want so much in life. So that my generations do not suffer the same fate.
I have to let this out. Because I know if I keep it in. I will fall into depression again. The mask will return and the walls would spring up. I can't let that happen. I've come to far to succumb to that now.
Now I need my rest. My head is just spinning and I can't breathe.
