I don't know what to feel at this stage. Most of the times I numb myself. Only when I let go, I'll curl up like a ball, on the floor and rock myself mad, with tears streaking down my cheeks.

You know how they say the eyes are the window to your soul. Well, I look at myself in the mirror and I see nothing. Blank. It seems that I have lost my soul. The one playing my character right now is just my alter ego. The one that knows how to deal with all this pain.

The real me? I myself have no idea where she went.

How did I get to this stage? For the simple reasons that everything I ever believed in was crushed.

The family is not beingkind either. The mom has been pestering again. And I am suffocating at home. But when I go out, my alter ego needs all the energy she can get to play me.

After all that I've done. I was left alone in the most difficult times of my life. The time when I needed you the most. Proven to you up till now to what extent I would go to. The family used to be your worry. That I would leave and come running back to them.

Well, I still am not talking to them even after all this happens. If that is not enough prove that I have nothing more to say. It has to be at this point in time that I have to suffer more. To handle all the issues at once.

I'm trying not to let the hate take control of me. Because I know when I let go of this minimal strength that I have and let hate fill me in, I will drown myself in all those sorrows. And turn to be a worst off person, in which that is not my agenda.

But there is so much I can take. Deprived of all the things and feelings I used to have. I feel despair. I won't take my life. But I wouldn't say no to somebody taking it for me either.

5:33 AM