My world came crashing down in the early morning of 13th January with them messages. Whatever my instincts told me came true when it was mentioned the next day. My mind is a turmoil and my heart is no longer whole. It broke that very same day. I have much setbacks in life and this is one of them. But this time round, I just felt cheated of everything. Yes it was truthful. Nevertheless, it still hurts.
I am trying to be strong but that is no mean feat. As much as I want to be my normal self again, my walls are up and I am cold. Almost to everyone around me. I try to push it down but everytime I do, the pain returns and I cry. I let it all out till the tears dry up. And then I'm calm again. But the calm weather never stays long with me. As much as I try my best to block everything out, it comes rushing back and I go through the motions all again.
The insomnia is coming back. I am tired. I need the rest and I know that. There is so much I can take physically. But the mental state of mind I am in is affecting me physically as well. There is only so much I can push my body to do. Being up right now at 4plus am in the morning and pouring my hearts out goes to show that I can no longer get to sleep.
Yes, I tire myself out the whole day with the hopes that I can get into a deep sleep and rest longer. But that doesn't seem to happen. Each time I close my eyes I see bad things. I don't know what those bad things are I just know they are bad. It is like demons are out gnawing at my feelings. The pain fuels them. And I get scared of closing my eyes because the more I close them, the more pain I feel. But when I don't close my eyes and can't get to sleep, that doesn't bode well for me either.
The thoughts starts running again and I see all that I saw in the future come crashing down on me. The picture perfect memory falls to pieces bit by bit like a painting getting burned down in a fire. And that hurts too. The hopes, the life I wanted to have gets blurred out and I feel helpless. Cause I can't put the fire out and I see it all turning into ashes.
As much as I try to be strong it is never easy. It was never easy to deal with in the first place. But it is not easy for anyone. I want to smile and be bubbly, like all the time that I used to be, but that me has since been gone. I want her back. I want everything and everyone back. My life won't be complete.
Another few more weeks. It will get harder day by day and I know that. Even as the weeks gets lesser and finally turns to days, the answer is not even definite. I want to be truthful here by saying I want it to be me. Forever me. And nothing else. Call it selfishness, I know it is but I think I deserve to be truthful. I was there for most parts of the later life and I want to be there still for the rest of the life.
Years down the road, it looks bleak. But I still see the togetherness. And I still believe in it. I just hope that the belief is not mine alone.
It is time to get back to work today and I don't know how I am going to fare. It feels like the first day of school where you don't know what will happen. All I know is that I have to put on a brave front and go through with work as how I usually go through with it. Which means my mask comes on and the smile of the "Joker" comes into place on the face.
I want it to turn out to be the best.
What a great start to 2010. As of today, only 15 days into the new year and my life is at its ends. My love will prevail and I will show that I am worth it. Please see that too.
