I seriously feel like I am ruining everything for myself. Am I really that weak? So insecure?
Love is the best thing that could happen in the world.But why is it that I love and yet I hurt myself at the same time. Is it wrong for me to cry? To let the pain flow in the only way I know how.
Looking into your eyes, I know you're telling me the truth. That you love me. And you'll never leave me again. You also said that if there is anyone whom you'll marry, that would be me. I really want to make that real. As real as it could be.
So much has happened from the time I wrote the last entry, to this current one. Holidays were made. Of which when we came back to Singapore and went our separate homes again, it was painful. I cried in April. And I cried again yesterday.
The tears in April was me finally letting go. Of those past events that hurt me to my core. I cried till there was nothing left in me. I trusted him back fully. I told myself I should be bringing myself up, getting that bubbly personality of mine back, that self-confidence that I've always had back in me.
But all that time I spent in April just got wiped out again in May. On talking terms ey. That's so much for breaking off all contacts. There was not even a reason to do that in the first place if at any time she calls or text or broke up with any other TOM, DICK OR HARRY, you became a friend yet again.
Yes you love me. I know that oh so well. You asked why I feel so insecure. My only answer is nobody knew what I really went through during that period. No clue whatsoever.
I acted like everything is fine after the whole issue passed.
Maybe it is just me. When I strike someone out from my list, I do just that. I don't go back on it. Yes I let the hatred consume me. And it could only be my downfall at the end.
See, I know that. But I won't fall. Cause I will thread my way carefully. I was calm previously. But I won't be the next time.
But at the same time, when I love, I love fully. No I am not a perfect person but I try to be the best for you.
You don't seem to notice I no longer where that necklace I've always worn. That half of a whole that meant something to me. Or the fact that I haven't changed back your name in my handphone. Neither do I talk so much about marriage or a lifelong commitment much these days.
For the sole reason that I am scarred and scared to go through the whole process of hoping and getting the hopes crushed again. But I still do hope. Silently. Because if I mention it that it just might jinx it.
At times I feel that I need to go see a psychologist, to help me in dealing with all these pain. Or maybe get some medications to calm me down when I hype myself up for all the wrong reasons. Or maybe see what they can say about my state of mind. Am I going crazy? Or am I already am?
At the end of the day, all that I want is you. My existence is nothing without your presence. I really do love you. Only you. I've always loved myself more in the past, but I'm no longer the number one person in my life. YOU are.
