So much has happened from the time I wrote the last entry, to this current one. Holidays were made. Of which when we came back to Singapore and went our separate homes again, it was painful. I cried in April. And I cried again yesterday.
The tears in April was me finally letting go. Of those past events that hurt me to my core. I cried till there was nothing left in me. I trusted him back fully. I told myself I should be bringing myself up, getting that bubbly personality of mine back, that self-confidence that I've always had back in me.
But all that time I spent in April just got wiped out again in May. On talking terms ey. That's so much for breaking off all contacts. There was not even a reason to do that in the first place if at any time she calls or text or broke up with any other TOM, DICK OR HARRY, you became a friend yet again.
Yes you love me. I know that oh so well. You asked why I feel so insecure. My only answer is nobody knew what I really went through during that period. No clue whatsoever.
I acted like everything is fine after the whole issue passed.
Maybe it is just me. When I strike someone out from my list, I do just that. I don't go back on it. Yes I let the hatred consume me. And it could only be my downfall at the end.
See, I know that. But I won't fall. Cause I will thread my way carefully. I was calm previously. But I won't be the next time.
But at the same time, when I love, I love fully. No I am not a perfect person but I try to be the best for you.
You don't seem to notice I no longer where that necklace I've always worn. That half of a whole that meant something to me. Or the fact that I haven't changed back your name in my handphone. Neither do I talk so much about marriage or a lifelong commitment much these days.
For the sole reason that I am scarred and scared to go through the whole process of hoping and getting the hopes crushed again. But I still do hope. Silently. Because if I mention it that it just might jinx it.
At times I feel that I need to go see a psychologist, to help me in dealing with all these pain. Or maybe get some medications to calm me down when I hype myself up for all the wrong reasons. Or maybe see what they can say about my state of mind. Am I going crazy? Or am I already am?
At the end of the day, all that I want is you. My existence is nothing without your presence. I really do love you. Only you. I've always loved myself more in the past, but I'm no longer the number one person in my life. YOU are.
