The last post was in May. It is now October and the same shit keeps happening again. I have gone through this too many times before and I have fought till I scarred and I don't think I'll be the same. But I always hang on and I keep loving you after the many "breakups" and "get togethers" that we have had.
Something is definitely not right somewhere. But where did I go wrong? Where did I hurt you? Or if I have ever done anything that has hurt you before throughout these two years spent together. I have to admit I am not perfect. Neither are you. But together we could make it work.
However, it seems like I am clapping with just one hand of mine and yours is missing. Little wonder it is not working as you put it.
I have a test to study for today. That test is tonight itself. Yet you dropped me a bombshell and you said you don't think you can continue with us anymore. And then you want me back. I am confused. More confused than I ever was before. As hard as I try to focus on the studying, it's breaking me apart and tearing me up inside.
Problems are meant to be shared not kept to yourself till it builds up and you let it out by tearing the relationship apart.
So many promises and beliefs that was broken yet I still believe. Stupidity on my part - maybe not. I feel it in me and call it an intuition if you want.
Where does my limit end? I myself am not able to answer that question because I am still here waiting to catch you when you fall. Maybe if the confirmation comes and you really say its over - den probably I will have to start my healing process. How long it's gonna take - beats me. Yes you have always said that I will find someone else - that's a maybe too. But one thing I know for sure, I will never love any other the same again. Well I know myself better don't I. So that poor guy in the future will always have to be the 2nd best.
Wait this sounds familiar. Like how I was always your 2nd best.
Contrary to what you believe in, there will be more pain and suffering for me to go through if we end compared to when we do stay together. Although you love to use the same sentences to force me out of the relationship. Unfortunately, when you believe that I can find someone else better to suit me, I believe otherwise as I have already found that special someone that suits me in every way and meaning of my life. That person is you.
But I can't force you. You have this personality of rebelling when you are forced and it will only push you further away from me. One thing you have always said, "to love a person is to let that person go freely". But I don't believe in that. I believe in fighting for the person you love, being there for them whenever they need you. Like when they are going through a transition phase in life like job changing, troubles with the family and other such matters. Bottomline, you should never give up in the love you believe in.
You said you still love me yet you still want to go separate ways, you're giving up on me, on us. Making me feel worthless all together. Like I told you, you have a string of girls lined up waiting to bring you into their open arms to comfort you. You may not go to some of them but you have these girls to fall back on. Well let's just forget about this girl I spent two years with shall we.
I know if we do carry on with us there will be too many problems that we have to face. From the different religions we have to the disagreeing parents. But I need you to believe in yourself. Believe in me. And believe that together we can make anything happen and we can make it work.
